Buttercup

Here's the story behind Buttercup-as in why we actually call Buttercup-Buttercup. In a nutshell, you can chalk it up to commitment issues. I just couldn't commit to a name and so our daughter was nameless for a day, maybe it was two days...

I know, horrible right?  I feel kinda bad about the whole thing but I was sure we were having a boy and so when SHE came out it threw us for a loop.

I always had a particular girl's name in mind, and surprisingly my husband liked it too. I thought it was a classic name and didn't think it was trendy but suddenly it was on the top of all the baby name lists. I really didn't want my kid to be the third or fourth "Jennifer" in school.  Seriously, I can name at least five Jenn's from school.  So since we kinda had a girl's name we both liked (even though we were turned off by its surge in popularity) we decided to put all our focus on boy names because, let me tell you, we could not for the love of all that is good in this world agree on a boy's name. Thus, convincing me that we were definitely having a boy. (So much for mother's intuition)

I found choosing a name for our child to be stressful. What if our kid hates the name we select-what if after we go with a name -someone with the same name decides to go and do something stupid/tacky thus causing a distasteful association for every other poor soul that has the misfortune of sharing the same name. Perfect example--Lorena Bobbit. I rest my case.

It's a lot of pressure! So we stalled on officially naming her. Luckily, everyone was so distracted on learning the baby was a girl to give us too much of a hard time.  I learned very quickly in my pregnancy that when you opt to not find out the sex of the baby people become very invested in guessing telling you what you're having-the cleaning lady in the office, strangers on the subway, your dental hygienist.. . it even becomes competitive. At our baby shower we had a "guess the sex of the baby" photo booth.

It was a lot of fun. Overwhelmingly everyone, myself included thought boy for sure. I come from a family of all girls-surely it was time for some testosterone.

But no -what we thought was a he was a she all along and we couldn't be happier but we weren't 100% sure about her name. When the hospital pediatrician came in to examine her she of course asked us what her name was. When we told her she didn't have one she held up our nameless, wrinkly, tiny piece of perfection paused and said,  "I think I'll call you Buttercup" and we liked it-we liked it very much. And so it stuck. And that's how Buttercup or BC for short came to be.

Eventually we went with a name. Although, not our original first choice but not to fear it still tops the charts for most popular names. :/

drowsy but awake

"It is crucial to put your baby down drowsy but awake."

I remember reading this in all the parenting/baby books milling around the apartment but didn't pay much attention. And now nine months in, I realized I should have.  These words HAUNT me and sitting in a dark room at a godforsaken hour watching my husband rock our little girl in his arms I want nothing more than to DROP-KICK these words.

It's not that I chose to blatantly ignore the advice of all the parenting experts, I TRIED to put Buttercup down drowsy but awake but guess what? She didn't really dig it, she much preferred to fall asleep in my arms than actually having to learn to fall sleep on her own and I was only happy to oblige.

You see as a first time mom it would be fair to compare me to a young school girl, blinded by love wearing rose colored glasses all the while repeating over and over, "You can't spoil a baby, you can't spoil a baby! I'm teaching her security and comfort-ALL THE EXPERTS SAY SO!"

True, but those same experts that assured me I couldn't spoil my baby still said, "yo momma put your baby down drowsy but awake!" Now we're knee-deep in "poor" sleep associations as in, I need to be on your boob and in your arms to sleep and at nine months-well it makes me feel like the biggest fail of a parent.

It wasn't always this way she USED to go down rather easily in her crib but then we hit four months and we moved into my parents basement and then there was the business trip to Tampa.....and so here we are. 

Dr. Ferber calls us "reactive cosleepers" or as the Sleep Lady Shuffle likes to refer to us  "We didn't plan it this way" co-sleepers.  Oh yea-I've read them all and if you're a parent whose kid doesn't sleep well then chances are you have too because when your baby doesn't sleep it CONSUMES you.

So whats our strategy-I've got no freaking clue. Despite reading and rereading all these sleep books I'm still at a loss-pathetic I know. But something has got to give because baby girl needs to sleep-this isn't so much about me and my exhaustion it's about her neurons connecting!

But change is not easy, especially in the middle of the night when you're dog tired. I feel pretty confident this night will end where it always does, Buttercup in bed with us, snuggled up against me, her lil' head nuzzled in my neck. I try to remind myself that it'll all pass too soon and I'll miss this-I'll miss it so much but man oh man I miss me some zzzz's.

Unforgettable

I'm not a big fan of New Year's.

Despite this, I still go through the ritual of popping grapes at midnight making my twelve wishes. Back in the day when I thought traveling was glamorous I used to walk around the block with a suitcase to inspire a year of traveling. Then I started realizing how much I hated traveling for work and halted that tradition.

I'm thinking of sleeping through midnight this year. I'm hoping it will lead to peaceful slumber in 2013. And yes, I  have been debating on doing whatever it takes to have Buttercup in her CRIB not in my arms, sleeping like an angel when the clock strikes midnight.

I'm kinda in a funk and I feel bad for feeling that way when seriously ya'll 2012 was so friggin good to me. It truly was. My sister and I were both feeling mopey and dopey and we went out for a walk/run. We told ourselves we were both going to try to be more thankful and try really, really hard to be more positive and not focus on the negative. Not easy for us girls but that's the great thing about a new year there's always another year to try to get it right.  And there's so much that went right this year. It truly has been an unforgettable and blessed year. So here's my lil' recap.

2012 brought me my sweet Buttercup.

We moved from New York to Maryland and Buttercup gets to grow up close to her grandparents and Aunties.

And we bought a house!

A lot has been happening and I hope to write about it all here.

Happy New Year!

Super Baby, Super Family

Today was Buttercup's first Halloween.

And here is the obligatory cute baby in a costume photo that must be shared.

I have fond memories of Halloween as a kid. During the day, my mother would somehow always make it to the Halloween parade at school; at night, I remember walking hand in hand with my Dad around our neighborhood trick-or-treating. Basically, Halloween seemed magical.

Years from now when Buttercup is all grown up and on Halloween night she walks out of her room wearing a naughty nurse costume with stilettos I'll recall her first oh-so-innocent- Halloween.

Chances are she won't remember it but I know I will.

I'll remember going to the fabric store in a rush while Grandma watched her because I always feel the need to hurry to get back to her.  I'll remember how I really had no idea what the heck I was doing (Thank God for real bloggers that post DIY tutorials on how to make a superhero cape)  I'll recall how even though this was supposed to be MY project somehow I got everyone else in my family to do all the work mainly because I'm too impatient to actually follow DIY tutorials on how to make a superhero cape. My Dad with the precision of a surgeon, cutting out the "S" in felt. Seriously, why didn't I inherit that patience? My sister and her boyfriend on all fours measuring and cutting out the cape. My other sister, helping me make her laugh for above picture.

I'd say this little superhero has definitely put a spell on this family. Oh, wait...that line would work if maybe she was a wizard not a superhero. Oh well, give me a break people.

Happy Halloween!

Traffic and Tears

Buttercup and I got stuck in traffic this morning. (reason 358479 on why I'm seriously doubting our decision to leave Manhattan-TRAFFIC and DRIVING)

The standstill on 295 pissed Buttercup off --she expressed this by screaming at the top of her lungs.

In the 5 months that she's been with us Buttercup has never cried like this EVER because you know, we pick her up before it ever escalates to this level. This of course comes with a price...let's just say we haven't been getting much sleep....

But back to today-- oh, it was terrible.  I tried singing. It worked for a bit. I sang every nursery rhyme I knew-Spanish and in English, I threw in a little Doris Day even Mexican rancheros. NOTHING. She was sobbing, gasping for breath, arching her back. I clenched the steering wheel.  Her screams indicated she was shaking she was so upset..I couldn't help but notice my hands were also shaking.

I debated pulling over but it didn't seem safe. Besides, somehow we had to get home and pulling over and taking her out of the car seat would just delay this and in the end I'd still have to strap her back in and was pretty sure the end result would just be more screams.

I reverted back to ole Harvey Karp and starting shh-shh-shhing like crazy.

Suddenly, her cries  started to dissipate and... SHE FELL ASLEEP.

And this ladies and gentleman is how Buttercup and  I got our first taste of what "crying it out" would be like.

It sucked.

But SHE FELL ASLEEP and when she woke up this is what I got.

Ok,  I'm still not sure I'm convinced that crying is the best or ONLY way to fix our sleeping issues but it does give me some reassurance. 

Interrupted Slumber

Like a girl on the rebound, I just can't stop comparing Maryland to my old lover Manhattan. My latest 'the grass is greener in Manhattan' vent?  This mornings rude awakening.

At around 8am, Buttercup and I were awoken by the sound of a lawnmower; a LAWNMOWER.  Even buttercup looked thoroughly pissed and she had nothing to complain about this morning since she won last night's battle and made her way into our bed.

I'd rather have the homeless woman prepping her cans and bottles for recycling outside my window any day of the week.

four months...

In the peak of the sleep deprived blur of becoming your mother, best friend from high school asked me,  "Is it like cats? Because you know cats don't always like you at first.." Leave it to best friend from high school to compare motherhood to getting a cat but doggonit..I think she was on to something.

Maybe what follows isn't the right PC mommy answer but if there's one thing that will bring me to find a spare moment in my life (and by spare I mean at 1 am when I should be sleeping)  to type out a few random thoughts on a blank, white computer screen is my very selfish desire to not just document my life or share my life-but to have my own place to vent and cry and laugh at myself and sure, yeah posting of the occasional cute baby picture-that too.

Which brings me to the point of this post. It hasn't been easy this whole motherhood thing. Let's face it-we had a rough start.  There have been struggles and challenges; sure, they were mixed with moments of pure love--the kind of love and straight up joy that just doesn't make sense it's so freaking incomprehensible but in the beginning I'm sad to say my doubts and our struggles overshadowed some of those love moments.

Which brings me to today; quite frankly you were getting on my nerves. But then just like that you find a way to turn me into mush. It was waay past your bedtime (and I use the phrase bedtime loosely as in I'm not the best at schedules and bedtime means the hour at which I wish you'd go to sleep ALREADY but don't you worry this momma is reading her chapters on sleep training so consider yourself warned) and you just weren't going to sleep and how could you possibly be ready to go to sleep for the night when you weren't at all interested in eating---'fuss butt' is the phrase that comes to mind. I had already passed you off to your father and had gone to get you a bottle. Upon my return, you let out a big one. It was the kind of burp you'd expect from a  grown man not a baby and then you gave me one of your best drooly, gummy smile. "Try now," your daddy-o urged. I was hesitant but figured I might as well "give it a go."

And I'm so glad I did-tonight and all those other nights when giving up breastfeeding would've been so much easier because then I wouldn't of had this moment. You looked so beautiful and peaceful as I nursed you I almost couldn't stand it. Where a few minutes earlier you were all squirmy and oh-so-unhappy now you were calm and happily sucking away. You stroked my face and chest with your drooly, clammy hands while I stroked your hair the opposite way in which I daily try to train you crazy locks to fall.   (hair train..sleep train...poor kid) 

In the grand scheme of things, four months is merely a drop in the bucket but at that moment I was blown away at how far we've come.