Traffic and Tears

Buttercup and I got stuck in traffic this morning. (reason 358479 on why I'm seriously doubting our decision to leave Manhattan-TRAFFIC and DRIVING)

The standstill on 295 pissed Buttercup off --she expressed this by screaming at the top of her lungs.

In the 5 months that she's been with us Buttercup has never cried like this EVER because you know, we pick her up before it ever escalates to this level. This of course comes with a price...let's just say we haven't been getting much sleep....

But back to today-- oh, it was terrible.  I tried singing. It worked for a bit. I sang every nursery rhyme I knew-Spanish and in English, I threw in a little Doris Day even Mexican rancheros. NOTHING. She was sobbing, gasping for breath, arching her back. I clenched the steering wheel.  Her screams indicated she was shaking she was so upset..I couldn't help but notice my hands were also shaking.

I debated pulling over but it didn't seem safe. Besides, somehow we had to get home and pulling over and taking her out of the car seat would just delay this and in the end I'd still have to strap her back in and was pretty sure the end result would just be more screams.

I reverted back to ole Harvey Karp and starting shh-shh-shhing like crazy.

Suddenly, her cries  started to dissipate and... SHE FELL ASLEEP.

And this ladies and gentleman is how Buttercup and  I got our first taste of what "crying it out" would be like.

It sucked.

But SHE FELL ASLEEP and when she woke up this is what I got.

Ok,  I'm still not sure I'm convinced that crying is the best or ONLY way to fix our sleeping issues but it does give me some reassurance. 

Interrupted Slumber

Like a girl on the rebound, I just can't stop comparing Maryland to my old lover Manhattan. My latest 'the grass is greener in Manhattan' vent?  This mornings rude awakening.

At around 8am, Buttercup and I were awoken by the sound of a lawnmower; a LAWNMOWER.  Even buttercup looked thoroughly pissed and she had nothing to complain about this morning since she won last night's battle and made her way into our bed.

I'd rather have the homeless woman prepping her cans and bottles for recycling outside my window any day of the week.

four months...

In the peak of the sleep deprived blur of becoming your mother, best friend from high school asked me,  "Is it like cats? Because you know cats don't always like you at first.." Leave it to best friend from high school to compare motherhood to getting a cat but doggonit..I think she was on to something.

Maybe what follows isn't the right PC mommy answer but if there's one thing that will bring me to find a spare moment in my life (and by spare I mean at 1 am when I should be sleeping)  to type out a few random thoughts on a blank, white computer screen is my very selfish desire to not just document my life or share my life-but to have my own place to vent and cry and laugh at myself and sure, yeah posting of the occasional cute baby picture-that too.

Which brings me to the point of this post. It hasn't been easy this whole motherhood thing. Let's face it-we had a rough start.  There have been struggles and challenges; sure, they were mixed with moments of pure love--the kind of love and straight up joy that just doesn't make sense it's so freaking incomprehensible but in the beginning I'm sad to say my doubts and our struggles overshadowed some of those love moments.

Which brings me to today; quite frankly you were getting on my nerves. But then just like that you find a way to turn me into mush. It was waay past your bedtime (and I use the phrase bedtime loosely as in I'm not the best at schedules and bedtime means the hour at which I wish you'd go to sleep ALREADY but don't you worry this momma is reading her chapters on sleep training so consider yourself warned) and you just weren't going to sleep and how could you possibly be ready to go to sleep for the night when you weren't at all interested in eating---'fuss butt' is the phrase that comes to mind. I had already passed you off to your father and had gone to get you a bottle. Upon my return, you let out a big one. It was the kind of burp you'd expect from a  grown man not a baby and then you gave me one of your best drooly, gummy smile. "Try now," your daddy-o urged. I was hesitant but figured I might as well "give it a go."

And I'm so glad I did-tonight and all those other nights when giving up breastfeeding would've been so much easier because then I wouldn't of had this moment. You looked so beautiful and peaceful as I nursed you I almost couldn't stand it. Where a few minutes earlier you were all squirmy and oh-so-unhappy now you were calm and happily sucking away. You stroked my face and chest with your drooly, clammy hands while I stroked your hair the opposite way in which I daily try to train you crazy locks to fall.   (hair train..sleep train...poor kid) 

In the grand scheme of things, four months is merely a drop in the bucket but at that moment I was blown away at how far we've come.

The Streets of New York...

How can I possibly leave you? I've walked your streets and avenues lost, drunk, crying, even in labor.

You've given me so much. I fell in love walking your streets--hand-in-hand we walked in and out of bars-drunk on too many martinis and on each other.

It's fitting we got the call while we walked-this time not hand-in-hand; my hands  on a stroller and his on an umbrella.  In the rain, on the streets of New York our fate was sealed. 

No longer will we walk these streets as New Yorkers, lugging groceries and in a rush but instead we'll be mere visitors murmuring "remember when."

NYC I heart you.

Al Bundy

This baby is turning me into Al Bundy-all I wanna do is stick my hands down my pants.

Ok, I know that sounds crude but it's true.  If I could stop time and just keep my hand on my bump waiting for the baby to to move I would.

My sister warned me that this was not acceptable behavior for outside the comfort of my home as she sat with me on the couch watching a  movie-the entire time I kept my hand firmly placed on my belly under my cozy yoga pants waiting and waiting...

It seems this baby likes to move while I'm at work where obviously I cannot sit around all day with my hands down my pants!  By the time I feel the movement and quickly put my hands on my belly the little bugger has already called out "freeze" just to torture me. Plus it's just not the same feeling over clothes.

Who would've thought I'd have so much in common with Al Bundy.

Reflection

I can't believe I've had this little person inside me for SIX MONTHS now.. I'm already past the halfway mark and the other night after stopping by one of the big box baby stores and walking towards the subway station it hit me...we're getting closer to the finish line.

This short window of having my baby grow inside me will be over soon.  Have I really cherished it-really appreciated it?

The past six months have been flat out crazy. For the first six months of the year I couldn't find work in my field at all and only had my stay at home job. Next thing you know I suddenly found myself with TWO jobs and a baby on the way. and I just feel like this merry-go round called life is going too fast and I just want it to SLOW THE HECK DOWN.

Where before I had all the time in the world to read every blog and article out there that my little heart desired...life has clearly changed. Time is something that I don't have that much of.

Panic sometimes overcomes me am I ready, am I prepared? I can barely keep up with my What to Expect When You're Expecting book and there's like a zillion other books out there and all the other moms have read them and I have NOT.

At five months I hung out with another mom-to-be that was only at three months. From our conversation it was clear this mom had her shiznit together. She had already researched various hospitals, birthing centers and registry items. Um...at three months I still wasn't sure I BELIEVED I was really having a baby. I admit I felt a bit inadequate or maybe a lot inadequate.  

My mother had us without reading every book in the world, without reading every review out there. And we came out just fine, right?  I just keep telling myself that.

Yes, I do probably need to get my act together and register this baby is coming after all and I will but I'm already regretting I haven't found the time to add things to this little blog of mine to record this amazing, precious and sometimes scary phase of my life...so with three months to go..GULP technically less than three months to go this is me trying to stop and smell the roses.

Half Baked

We've got a bun in the oven.....

Due April 2012

This was our little "we're expecting" announcement/Christmas card this year and clearly our big news of 2011.

Ready or not...here we go!