In the peak of the sleep deprived blur of becoming your mother, best friend from high school asked me, "Is it like cats? Because you know cats don't always like you at first.." Leave it to best friend from high school to compare motherhood to getting a cat but doggonit..I think she was on to something.
Maybe what follows isn't the right PC mommy answer but if there's one thing that will bring me to find a spare moment in my life (and by spare I mean at 1 am when I should be sleeping) to type out a few random thoughts on a blank, white computer screen is my very selfish desire to not just document my life or share my life-but to have my own place to vent and cry and laugh at myself and sure, yeah posting of the occasional cute baby picture-that too.
Which brings me to the point of this post. It hasn't been easy this whole motherhood thing. Let's face it-we had a rough start. There have been struggles and challenges; sure, they were mixed with moments of pure love--the kind of love and straight up joy that just doesn't make sense it's so freaking incomprehensible but in the beginning I'm sad to say my doubts and our struggles overshadowed some of those love moments.
Which brings me to today; quite frankly you were getting on my nerves. But then just like that you find a way to turn me into mush. It was waay past your bedtime (and I use the phrase bedtime loosely as in I'm not the best at schedules and bedtime means the hour at which I wish you'd go to sleep ALREADY but don't you worry this momma is reading her chapters on sleep training so consider yourself warned) and you just weren't going to sleep and how could you possibly be ready to go to sleep for the night when you weren't at all interested in eating---'fuss butt' is the phrase that comes to mind. I had already passed you off to your father and had gone to get you a bottle. Upon my return, you let out a big one. It was the kind of burp you'd expect from a grown man not a baby and then you gave me one of your best drooly, gummy smile. "Try now," your daddy-o urged. I was hesitant but figured I might as well "give it a go."
And I'm so glad I did-tonight and all those other nights when giving up breastfeeding would've been so much easier because then I wouldn't of had this moment. You looked so beautiful and peaceful as I nursed you I almost couldn't stand it. Where a few minutes earlier you were all squirmy and oh-so-unhappy now you were calm and happily sucking away. You stroked my face and chest with your drooly, clammy hands while I stroked your hair the opposite way in which I daily try to train you crazy locks to fall. (hair train..sleep train...poor kid)
In the grand scheme of things, four months is merely a drop in the bucket but at that moment I was blown away at how far we've come.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Streets of New York...
How can I possibly leave you? I've walked your streets and avenues lost, drunk, crying, even in labor.
You've given me so much. I fell in love walking your streets--hand-in-hand we walked in and out of bars-drunk on too many martinis and on each other.
It's fitting we got the call while we walked-this time not hand-in-hand; my hands on a stroller and his on an umbrella. In the rain, on the streets of New York our fate was sealed.
No longer will we walk these streets as New Yorkers, lugging groceries and in a rush but instead we'll be mere visitors murmuring "remember when."
NYC I heart you.
You've given me so much. I fell in love walking your streets--hand-in-hand we walked in and out of bars-drunk on too many martinis and on each other.
It's fitting we got the call while we walked-this time not hand-in-hand; my hands on a stroller and his on an umbrella. In the rain, on the streets of New York our fate was sealed.
No longer will we walk these streets as New Yorkers, lugging groceries and in a rush but instead we'll be mere visitors murmuring "remember when."
NYC I heart you.
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