the scenic route

I got lost dropping my husband off at the train station. Well not exactly true..I got lost AFTER I dropped him off (thank god) so the embarrassment and shame of getting lost on a 12 minute drive from the train station that I've done a ZILLION times was only shared by myself.

I am so embarrassed.  How do I get so lost so easily? Where the heck was I going? I swear I just start driving and just go aimlessly into the abyss.

In my defense, it's not like this is my hometown. I didn't grow up here. But my family has lived here for a good five years and I've been traveling down on the train to visit them for a good five years. And I have successfully driven myself or a loved one to the train station and back with success but no not this time.

I don't know what went wrong?? It's such a simple little drive. I'm feeling stressed out now. It's been said that I could get lost in a paper bag and this is not a good quality to have people! I mean one could say this is a metaphor for my LIFE.

My husband was halfway back to New York by the time I made my way back home! And I was in full panic mode mainly because the longer I was lost the greater the chances someone would discover what an idiot I am. This is not the stuff you want to share. I was worried the hubs would call me on the cell phone to make sure I got home already or worse my Dad would call me, "Where are you? I thought the train left at 7:30...it's 8:30???" What will I say, "umm I'll be home soon I just thought I'd take the scenic route through Delaware."

I hate sharing that I am so geographically challenged  especially with the two men in my life who pride themselves on having such a great sense of direction, these two spend hours looking at maps...JUST FOR FUN.

I am not a good driver. I know this. We all can't be good at everything. Cut me some slack I've lived in New York City for five years we don't need to operate heavy, dangerous pieces of machinery to get from point A to point B. 

Secondly, I'm a nervous driver and there can't be anything worse that a nervous driver. And my nervousness gets heightened knowing that all the people around me on the road hate me. Yes, they hate me. I know they do. I FEEL their anger towards me. They pass me on the highway and then crane their head to give me a dirty look because I'm not driving fast enough and yes, I know the left lane is the fast lane and I've got no business driving in the left lane..I'm just waiting for the right moment to SAFELY switch lanes. 

Did I mention that somehow I wound up being the one to help my sister drive the moving van to Boston? I'm having a minor anxiety attack.

I think I'll go to Boston....

.."I think I'll start a new life. I think I need a new town to leave this all behind..."
 

Katalina, my younger sister, is moving back to Boston and I can't stop playing out sappy lyrics in my mind. The other being Cat Stevens, "Wild World"


"..Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world. It' s hard to get by just upon a smile...But if you wanna leave take good care. Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there. But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware..."


I know she'll be happier in Boston. Her boyfriend is in Boston and it ain't like she's got much going on here in Maryland and I don't even live in Maryland yet but I want to and I was hoping she'd be here when I finally made my way back. Katalina went to school to Boston and as a recent grad the job market has been dismal to say the least.

So when she finally got a decent job offer I should've been excited and I was but I wasn't. I know she needs to start a real job, start building that resume but I still cried a little. My mom is truly a good person because I know she doesn't want her to go either but being the good woman she is she prayed fervently during her interview hoping she'd get the job. I'm not gonna try to stop her from going but I sure as heck ain't gonna PRAY for her to get the job that's miles and miles away.

I came across this photograph helping Katalina pack. And being the sentimental freak I am it kinda makes my chest feel full just looking at it and I feel the need to hold back tears.  It's Katalina as a baby and my Dad.

I love this picture I love how in so many of the baby pictures my mom and dad aren't looking into the camera but watching us and so their gaze on us is captured. Seeing my Dad so young and his look of pure love as he looks at his little baby while holding her up makes my heart swell and I find it so symbolic as Kath is about to leave and move out on her own.

I don't have kids but I imagine the love I feel for Kath is kinda what having kids is like. Maybe it's the age difference, maybe it's because she's my little sister....

But I am feeling very jealous of Boston right now... 

get over it

It's 4:30 in the morning and my head hurts. a lot. Today..or technically yesterday was a day that I have been DREADING..it's been a black cloud looming over me. It was my in-laws 50th anniversary party. Good lord you have no idea how I've been dreading this day.  And now that it's over I realize it wasn't the act of getting together with my husband's family or even coming face to face with my mother-in-law despite the last time we were face to face..well let's just say it wasn't pretty...it was the promise of all the icky feelings and nasty issues ingrained in my very flawed self that would come rushing to the surface.

I hate, hate, HATE that I have these seriously f-d up issues with certain people in my husband's family. I hate that my mind can swirl all these unpleasant thoughts in my head over and over until I'm left exhausted and consumed with bitterness and resentment.

And think what you will of Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love" but sister no truer words were ever written when she wrote that resentment was like smoking a cigarette, even one puff is bad for you.

 So this "day" that I've been dreading is over. My sister in her usual corrupt sense of humor suggested I wear a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet but in the end I didn't need one. I was on my best behavior. I tried my best to push aside any thoughts of negativity, I was not mean to my husband which I admit, I have done in the past and I tried my best to smile knowing that no one likes to see a sour face. And most importantly and this one was hard folks...I did not drink one drop of alcohol. Yea, I admit I've learned the hard way, emotional woman and alcohol DON'T MIX.

But those thoughts, those f-ed up feelings started bubbling up already. Oh it's the perfect mixture of ugliness. insecurity, jealousy, resentment all rolled into one bad headache and I'm sure this is causing me wrinkles.

I wish I knew how to make my mind just STOP. Stop playing the bad things over and over.  And it's truly ridiculous because I've got a really good marriage. An f-ing GREAT marriage so HONEY GET OVER IT ALREADY.

And even though my head still hurts I feel a little better already.

Maybe there is some truth to this whole writing thing.

shoeless in new york

So there I was on 66th and Columbus feeling pretty good about myself. I had just purchased the MAC mineral foundation and the pretty make-up lady had just put some on my face and  I'm feeling all around pleased with myself. I was even proud of my bump. (I've been watching hair tutorials lately. god bless you tube.) I have always envied girls with bumps... 


 and while my bump pales in comparison and I think you can see all the bobby pins in disarray at least it's a BUMP. So I head out to catch the cross town bus to meet my friend Ginny who lucky for me offered to let me borrow her silver clutch for tomorrow night. And I see the bus on the corner and so I start to run to catch the bus. And then BAM the strap to my stupid flip flop breaks and I'm trying to catch myself and not fall flat on my face in the middle of the intersection. 

Yup there I am-I can't walk with the flip flop the whole strap is broken so what do I do?? I take the flip flop off and walk with only one shoe...yes, thus EXPOSING MY FOOT TO THE DIRTY STREETS OF NEW YORK!

There's something you should know about me-I am a germ phob so it's unfortunate that I live in such a dirty city. And New York City is dirty believe me you (or is it believe you me?)  I've lived her for five years and after my first summer here I vowed to stop wearing flops. I LOVE flip flops don't get me wrong is there anything that more summery than throwing on flip flops and running out the door.

Well guess what, you wear flip flops in this city you will come home and your feet will be BLACK-like dirt. BLACK. That's how dirty this place is. And so I NEVER wear flip flops..well never except today when I don't know what flew up my skirt and made me think oh it'll be okay if I wear flip flops it'll look good with this summer dress. HA BAD DECISION my friend, bad decision.

I had to wobble to a cab, yes a cab. My bare foot was also exposed to the cab despite my best efforts not to let my foot touch the floor.  I know what happens in cabs. People THROW UP in cabs because they can't handle their liquor. (Not that I, myself have ever thrown up in a cab. I moved her in my late twenties by then I had properly learned to handle my liquor)

To make matters worse, I finally get back to my apartment building and wouldn't you know it the guy waiting for the elevator checking out my pathetic attempt to wobble on one foot lives on the same floor. Great... "nice to meet you Steve. Yea, my strap broke. I live in 4G"

I went straight to the bathroom to scrub my feet. I am convinced I've caught some kind of disease.

Inspiration

A year and a half ago back when I was a working girl in a fancy schmancy building that has it's own primetime show I never read blogs. I'd peruse news websites and perhaps political blogs...BORING...but then God decided to shake things up for me and I found myself working from home. (go ahead I already know what you're thinking)  WORKING FROM HOME... HA we all know "working from home" isn't REALLY working. Whatever. I'll address that some other day. But anyway that's when I became a loyal blog reader. I became shamefully addicted to random people's daily updates in life. People I don't know!!! 

And so I've decided to start my own blog. I know what you're thinking, "just what the world needs another blogger." Well I can promise you this, there will be no pretty outfit of the day posts or DIY tutorials just inconsistent posts and improper use of the comma and whatever other randomness my head comes up with. But I do hope that this will be the one place I can come and be real.

That said, here is the inspiration for my blog which comes from the HOTTEST couple on television-Cameron and Mitchell from ABC's Modern Family.

It's from an episode where Mitchell tries to come to terms with some of his feelings and goes like this:

CAMERON:
You always do this, instead of letting your feelings out you bury them and they bubble up later in hurtful ways.

MITCHELL:
Okay, maybe I was a little resentful. But that's embarrassing and petty and not a good color on me. It's like you and yellow.

CAMERON:
What? You love my yellow shirt.

MITCHELL:
It kind of makes you look like the sun.

CAMERON:
See? Bubbling. Hurtful bubbling. ....CAMERON WALKS AWAY

So anyway this is me and all my not so good colors.