Nothing says holidays like some RUM!

I'm feeling like a bit of a loser in the whole domesticated Holidays arena.  If you look around the apartment the only signs of Christmas is our wine rack.

See?

It's totally full.

It doesn't usually look this way. We usually at best have one or two bottles on the rack and one is usually empty just for appearance sake.

The problem is we can't be trusted. If we buy a lot on wine in bulk-we will drink a lot of wine in bulk. The more we have the more we drink.

But it's Christmas and my hubby works for some really nice people that spoil us with a case of wine every year for Christmas.

The wine rack sure does look beautiful full of vino doesn't it. (We'll see how long it lasts)  By the way my hubby made that-like ALL-BY-HIMSELF.

The actual metal racks he bought from IKEA but the rest was all his doing and a lot of trips carrying wood on the subway.

This is our little DIY corner. Above the wine rack is my little DIY project. (And I do spend a lot of time on home design blogs and this is the best I could come up with people)

This is my little project where I took pretty wrapping paper and scrapbook paper and put in frames.

 Back to the holiday decor. We didn't even put up a tree this year...which makes me very sad. But it just didn't happen. The first two weeks of December we were dealing with the surgery and it was just too darn cold for me to say let's go walk ten minutes to get to the closest tree stand. Third week-back to work for me and now it's a week before Christmas and..... 

All I have a little nativity out and the few Christmas cards up that we've gotten.

So I decided to at least make rum cake . I'm not much of a food blog follower. But I do like Pioneer Woman's blog (think she's a great writer and love the easy to follow photos!) and last year I made this cake and got good feedback (i.e. hubby ate it up) and feel like it'll be a nice Christmas tradition.

And most importantly it's fairly simple. And we have rum left over to add to our wine rack/bar!

I feel bad about my neck too....

Just like Nora Ephron, I feel bad about my neck.

I was lured to Borders because there was a 50% off coupon with today being the last day of the coupon and my sister needed me to pick up a gift. Of course,  I was attracted to the title since I am still dealing with my neck and scar acceptance issues plus the book is really bright and yellow...ANYWAY..

I read the first essay about her neck in the store and could totally relate. I ALMOST bought the book. Almost but did not. (I can talk myself out of just about any purchase. It is a gift that I sure do hope my husband appreciates and a gift that I wish would rub off my sister, Christy and Julie too)  But the coupon was for just ONE item and since I already had to buy Kathy's gift and is the book REALLY worth $13.99....ANYWAY

First of all, I'm tired of wearing scarves. And this has only been the first week that I've gone back to work and faced the real world. I like scarves, I know they make a nice accessory and can be cute and trendy but EVERYDAY?  Plus, I have a color problem. Here's a quick shot of my small but growing scarf collection.

Notice how they all seem to fall into the dark, fuchsia pink family. I've always been drawn to that color whether it be on my toes or my walls. But I can't wear this everyday. Sure it may be a new scarf but what do I wear underneath. I have one basic black sweater, people.  And then you got the white scarf, which has come in handy.

And turtlenecks. Come on people say the word out loud. T.U.R.T.L.E.N.E.C.K.  Sure sounds young, hip and sexy, huh? I tried to go shopping for turtlenecks and I don't think turtlenecks are in this season.  Don't get my wrong, I like a good, chunky, warm turtleneck sweater and can actually pull it off but I can't find ANY!  The one at Ann Taylor Loft was too long, the sales lady told me it didn't come in petite and no, just because the other girls are wearing long sweaters over their leggings/jeggins does not mean that look is going to look right on ME!

I still haven't seen my scar. It's still covered with those strip thingies. I rushed home because I knew I would have the apartment to myself for a while and I want to be alone when I take the strips off.

I stood in the bathroom, stared at my neck and talked myself out of it.

Technically, the "Incision Care Instructions for Thyroidectomy/Parathyroidectomy" plainly states in black and white, "The tape strips across the the incision provide support during the healing process and must not be removed for three weeks."  Well..technically it hasn't been three weeks. Tomorrow will be three weeks... granted a few lines later it says "After the strips begin to separate from the skin you may gently remove them after soaking in nail polish remove with a q-tip." And yea, the strips are beginning to separate but I'll wait at least one more day.

Motivate Me

I blame this all on you, Julie ...and Christy too. But mainly Julie because we had a whole conversation this morning about the Nook versus the Kindle because Christy (sister) wants a Kindle for Christmas.

Julie, of course has a strong opinion on the debate. "Kindle all the way!" she proclaims. I, just to annoy her made her defend all her reasons why Kindle was better. Her response? She basically told me to shove it and that the Kindle was better JUST BECAUSE.

I'm disappointed Jules that you didn't list the Kindle commercials as a reason why Kindle is better. I would've accepted that answer because I DO love the commercials.

Click here to watch Kindle Commercial but you are required to sing-along


I especially love it when my husband sings along. (You would have to know him and have heard his voice...think Gloria from Modern Family hilarious/The Godfather raspiness mixed with a little Brooklyn now imagine him singing "will you fly me awaay")

Anyway, all day today I've been using the words from the Good Charlotte song "Motivation Proclamation" circa 2000 to try to get my butt into gear. And yes, Good Charlotte waay before Nicole Richie-I'm talking WALDORF, Maryland baby. (DON'T JUDGE)

I'm in this weird limbo. I haven't gone back to work at my freelance job.

To be honest, I don't even know if they WANT me back or if I want to even go  back. I want so badly to be an editor and not a producer and I know in order to do that I need to friggin practice editing but do I do it? NO!

Back when I was working and coming home at 9 every night I said it was because of the job but I've had all day today to try to edit together a fun montage from our European vacation and instead I become fascinated with the KINDLE COMMERCIAL and all the adorable and oh-so- creative stop motion videos out there! (because of YOU Julie!)

And now I'm writing this blog because I HAVE to share. OMG! People are so friggin talented it makes me sick! I love the wedding industry I really do. I can say that now that I am not planning or saving money for my own wedding. But seriously, I love all the creative and pretty stuff out there.

Check out this Save the Date video from  Blue Lotus Company  

Big shout out to them because these talented sisters designed my wedding invitations. But isn't that just darling?

But there's even more! Check out the video on Trent Bailey's website. What a great engagement shoot. I loved the XOXO balloons! And how nice to have a little video of it you know.

But this is me screaming to my computer, "I CAN SHOOT VIDEO, I CAN EDIT! I just can't seem to get myself out of this bed!" (back to Good Charlotte honey-keep up)

And it's not just weddings, it's families and precious moments and I am one big sap that eats this kind of stuff up.  Ok, I'll only share one more.

This one is from Plemon Studios and it's a little stop motion video documenting the birth of their baby. 
Awww, right?

Anyway, I'm telling myself that the last couple hours spent checking out other people's talented work will motivate and inspire!

At the very least I maybe got Julie to go listen to GC!

Check-Up

This morning I went back for my second follow-up after my thyroid surgery.

I was trying not to freak out since I thought the doc would take off the plastic-like strips (I think the official name is steri-strips) that cover the actual incision and so thought today I'd be coming face-to-face with my new neck and new scar.

It wasn't exactly an introduction I've been looking forward to.

The doctor did take the strips off and cleaned it up but stuck more of the strips back on for another week. 

The only one that got to see it was my husband so I spent the last hour asking my husband how it looked a thousand different ways to see if I could get some kind of other response other than, "it doesn't look bad."

Me: Does it look bad? Be honest.
Husband: It doesn't look bad.
Me: Be HONEST
Husband: I AM being honest.

Me: Does it look better or worse than what you expected?
Husband: I think it looks the way it's supposed to look.

Me: On a scale of 1 to 10...
Husband: How long is this going to go on?

Me: Am I going to cry when I see it?
Husband: I'll tell you one thing if you do cry you're going to get a one-way ticket to the moon

Sometimes I think God really did find me the perfect partner. Because I do recognize that if he answered me any other way it would only feed my neuroticism. 

The doc finally prescribed me synthroid which is the medicine that replaces the hormones that my thyroid was responsible for. 

This is the tricky part because it can sometimes take a while to get the right dosage that works best for you so it can be a bit of trial and error at first. Which sucks because if it's too much or too little you can suffer from a slew of side effects.

The biggest side effect I've read about is weight gain and feeling tired.  I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I mean what woman wants to hear that she may gain five to ten pounds. Because it's oh sooo easy to lose ten pounds..yea right. It's friggin HARD to lose weight and I have a whole baggage full of weight issues that I've dealt with my whole life but I'll deal. Hopefully in a few weeks I"ll be able to work out again and I'll feel better about myself.

In brighter news, this Saturday I can start DRINKING again!

Not to sound like a lush but this has been a true sacrifice for me. Apparently alcohol is not good and can cause bleeding so you can't drink before or after having surgery. I haven't had a glass of wine OR a margarita OR an apple martini OR a mojito (that's about all I drink) in THREE weeks. Sad but I don't think I've gone that long without drinking since I turned 21...oh who the heck am I kidding...like I didn't discover alcohol until 21!   HA!

Anyway, I figured I'd write about my experience because I know when I was struggling with trying to make a decision about what to do about my thyroid I spent hours and hours reading stuff on-line and it always helped to stumble across a blog and read about real people's experiences.

Too Sensitive?

Most of the time I would say my husband is truly a thoughtful and sensitive person. But sometimes he too shows a not so nice color....like on Saturday night...but it got me thinking if maybe I am TOO sensitive.

So you know we're a big netflix couple...we prefer to watch movies and tv shows at home instead of spending a ridiculous amount of money going to the movies but lately we haven't been too sure of what to put in the queue. We're all caught up with Entourage and Mad Men and haven't gotten into any new shows. So I was absent-mindly going through new releases and saw "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." 

I haven't read the book but haven't been living under a rock...I would always see folks on the train with the book and knew and it was a best-seller. Plus I remember seeing a review for it in a cab when it came out in the theatres and the movie review guy seemed to dig it...  So I added it to the queue.

I was a little aprehensive because I do not like violent or scary movies but do understand that if I limited myself to violent-free movies I'd miss out on the majority of movies with good story lines and plots and thus only watch pitiful romantic comedies. So I figured let's give it a go.

Ok, I had NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO. 

Yes, it was a good movie in terms of suspense and plot I suppose-I totally get why it was a best-seller but I can't HANDLE these kind of movies.

Violence is one thing. Like I could totally handle "Inglourious Basterds" another good movie. It was violent but satirical and you can easily close your eyes during the really bad scenes but "the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" totally different ball game. 

Two words. Sexual violence.  Here are two other words for you. CAN'T HANDLE.

There were some really explicit scenes in this movie which I will not go into detail but they were HORRIBLE. The first scene was bad but I sat through it...the next one was much more violent and I got upset. I get that it has to do with the plot and character building and blah blah blah but on a Saturday night when you are watching a movie to be entertained no SCRATCH THAT...under no circumstances can I think of any desire to sit down and willingly watch a woman be abused in such a horrible and disgusting manner.

So anyway I got upset-told hubs I can't watch this..can you at least fast forward it..and yes we have a really bad remote and he gets frustrated using it but he GOT ANNOYED WITH ME!  Can you believe it? The remote of course didn't respond because it never does and I got up to leave the room.  Annoyed that he's annoyed and not moving fast enough in MY opinion to get this horrible scene out of my living room I snippily (is that a word) say, "can you at least turn the volume down."

AND THEN HE RESPONDED, "it's just a movie" in like a really huffy puffy voice.

Are you kidding me??? Great I thought now we're going to get in a fight because now it my duty as a woman and as a wife to set him straight.

Yes, it's a movie but hello it's a rape scene and violence against women is real and happens and HE SHOULD BE MORE SENSITIVE.

From the bathroom I calmly told him he should've taken a women's study classs in college instead of learning how to play golf and tennis and started spewing out things I remembered from my women's studies class.

He got the remote to work and I could tell he felt really bad and so we moved on. I ended up watching the rest of the movie but it was definitely violent and we had to watch two episodes of "The Office" on the laptop in bed afterwards to try to shake off the dark movie. I would not recommend to anyone and would be curious to see what other women's take on the movie is.

Am I too sensitive?

A few years ago, traveling for work I was stuck at the airport and decided to buy a book. I decided to pick up "Lovely Bones" because it said best seller on it and I had seen a few people reading it lately. Figured it was good. Again-HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO.  I remember distinctly, the girl at the check out gushed over the book, said it was soo good.

Um....the book opens with violent rape scene and murder of  A LITTLE GIRL. I felt sick to my stomach. I finished the book and could appreciate it but would never had picked it up had I known what it was really about. I guess literary folks smarter than me would give me some spiel about it being about the characters and their response to loss..but don't want to read through a girl suffering that way.

I've never been the victim of violence-sexual or otherwise...(and I am dearly thankful for that) but seem to be super sensitive to this stuff.

Clearly other people can get past these violent scenes to appreciate the book or the movie. Remember it was a woman that gushed about the book to me. And there's a whole TV show dedicated to solving "sexually based offenses" that apparently is a big hit; "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"

During my overnight stay at the hospital last week I shared a room with an older woman. We spoke briefly through the curtain that separated us and even though I was there less than 24 hours could tell she was a very kind lady. Well this kind lady watched nothing but Law and Order: SVU.  She loved it and maybe the nurse was just making small talk but she seemed to be a fan too. All I could to myself is why on earth would you want to watch such a dark program...isn't being in a hospital BAD ENOUGH?

Clearly, other people can handle this kind of stuff. I'd hate to think that I am some naive woman that only wants to see the world through rose-colored glasses. I get that bad, ugly things happen out there and I pray that those bad, ugly things stay far away from me and my loved ones. But I for one am looking forward to watching the next movie in our queue...."Diary of a Wimpy Kid."

You've Got Mail

Yesterday we received our first Christmas card of the season and it totally made my day.

(Of course it's from my good friend, Ginny but then of course I would expect nothing less from Ginny) 

I LOVE getting Christmas cards. I think there's something so festive and romantic about getting a holiday card in the mail.

Knowing that I was going to be stuck in the house after my surgery I made a quick run last week to buy some Christmas cards to send during my recovery but then I made the mistake of spending a good hour on the computer looking at some of the adorable and creative holiday cards out there and kinda regret my purchases.

These are some of my favorites:

From  Snow & Graham

I totally dig the whole aqua blue and brown thing.

And for those of you (ahem Julie) that love the aqua blue and red combo....

And what is it about birds!! love the cute birds. This is from etsy seller Monkey Mind Design

I especially love city holiday scenes. I remember visiting my then boyfriend now husband during December during our several years of long distance and thinking there is no better place to feel the holidays than in New York.

It's walking past the Christmas tree stands and all the beautifully decorated store fronts that really puts you in the mood.



This is from etsy seller sancynam

And one more from Snow & Graham

Now as the girl that has been married for a good two years now but faithfully loves to check out wedding photos and engagement photos from photographer's blogs I think there's nothing better than putting to good use those beautiful e-pics in a holiday card. Like these from Tiny Prints

 

But my all time FAVORITE photo holiday card is THIS one. 

Totally adorable,  totally creative and TOTALLY wanted to COPY.

(I'm not sure if everyone would agree but I believe that imitation is the best form of flattery and I would've totally been a copy cat if my work schedule and surgery hadn't gotten in the way and I guess more importantly if  I could've gotten my husband to cooperate)

Anyway check out the blog. This is actually their Christmas card from last year and I'm eagerly awaiting to see what they came up for this year.

Anyway...HAPPY HOLIDAYS...I'm about to put on some Alvin and Chipmunks Christmas carols on  and try to be content as I send out my 40% off Christmas card I found at the last minute.

Post Surgery

Surgery is no joke. Sure it looks like all fun and games on Grey's Anatomy but when it's you on the table under the knife..it's a whole different ball game.  But after what seems like months and months of back and forth I finally had surgery to remove my thyroid.

And I have to admit I am freaking out a bit wondering if I've made the right choice. Although going into this I knew there was no easy solution or answer.  I knew any decision I made could have serious negative outcomes.

Millions suffer from a thyroid problem and it's a big deal because your thyroid controls a lot of important stuff in your body; your metabolism, your energy level and a whole slew of things. I was diagnosed with a thyroid problem a zillion years ago at the young age of 14. And thankfully, for the most part I have been absolutely fine. My thyroid was overactive and other than when I first got sick I didn't really suffer from the low energy levels that so many people, especially women suffer from.

Unfortunately, my thyroid never went into remission on it's own and so I've been on medicine for my thyroid for 15 plus years. Doctors don't really dig this. I guess this medicine was not intended for long term use but I felt fine and didn't see why I needed to change anything until BABIES came up.

Yes, babies. suddenly it's a whole different ball game. What's fine for me is not fine for another little human being that you are responsible for. And so began this long journey about what to do about my thyroid.

It has not been a pretty journey. I've spent countless of hours scaring the beejeezus out of myself reading stuff on the internet, I've burst into tears in doctor's offices more times than I'd like to admit and gone back and forth on my decision it seemed like every other day.

From what I could gather the general consensus is that it's easier to control being hypothyroid (having an under active thyroid) when you're pregnant than being hyperthyroid (having an overactive thyroid).

I chose to get my thyroid surgically removed for a few different reasons. One being my eyes.  Overactive thyroidism also known as Graves Disease finds all sorts of ways to mess with you and one way is attacking the glands behind your eyes. The result is your eyes sometimes protrude. I suffer from this already a little bit and didn't want to risk my eyes getting any worse. There's evidence that surgery reduces risk of your eyes getting worse. Of course there's the alternative scar on your neck but figured I'd rather have a scar on my neck than Marty Feldman eyes.

There's also, time. You can "kill" your thyroid by taking a radioactive iodine pill-relatively risk free,  not evasive but  you have to wait 6 months to a year before trying to conceive. I know a year is not a super long time to wait but here's the thing I am so ready to start building our family now; plus, I'm no spring-chicken and besides radioactive treatment just scares me. It'd be one thing if I had the luxury of waiting a few years but one year between radioactive treatment and having a baby was just a little too close for comfort...for us at least.

And thus my decision for the surgery. I can't believe I actually went through with it.

It's only been a few days. I had my surgery on Friday but I'm already freaking out. What if I'm not the same? What if I become really lethargic and gain a lot of weight. The whole point of doing this was to do the healthiest and safest thing for having babies...what if I end up being unhealthier than when I started?

I'm telling myself this scary looking scar will go away with time and that it's nothing a pretty scarf can't handle but I'd be lying if I told you I've been avoiding the mirrors in our place like the plague.

I just want to feel like my normal self  again. I want to be healthy and happy.  Patience has never been my thing...

She works hard for her money and THEY DON'T TREAT HER RIGHT

I have been on the road for the past three days for work. We are finally shooting a story that I've been workng on since I started this gig back in September. Three days doesn't seem like long, but when you've only had three to four hours of sleep max every night for the past five days and call times at five in the morning...BREAK DOWNS HAPPEN.

If I wasn't so exhausted I could write blog after blog about how M.I.S.E.R.A.B.LE. shooting for this show is, how disenfranchised I feel about my career, this job and the joys of dealing with cranky jerks and next time you scream, "tape change" and look at me like i'm not moving fast enough I may go ape on your a$%.

But I am tired and it's only midnight so I might get more than five hours of sleep if I hurry up. But I wanted to share with you (um my sole reader) what a pelican brief is.

First time my annoying crew told me to grab something from the pelican brief I was like, whatcha talking about willis? I guess it makes sense. pelican..travel....equipment.

But anyway I'm not too concerned about saving the equipment I'm more concerned about my poor hands.

My fingers are raw, RAW I TELL YOU!  do you have any idea how hard it is to open and close these things? Do you know how many nails I've broken? And no I'm not a "oh  my god I broke a nail kinda girl" but opening and closing these things break my nails in ways that are painful and NOT normal. My hands are painfully raw.

So I challenge you, my only reader, go find yourself a pelican brief and try to open and close it a few times and maybe you'll see why I HATE THIS JOB!

Corduroy Happy

So this morning my husband and I are watching "Sunday Morning" on CBS as we typically do on Sundays.  (I love this show-I would die to work for this show-please.hire.me) And Bill Geist is doing a story on corduroy-you know as in the FABRIC.

And even I was like, really? Corduroy? Apparently, there's even a Corduroy Appreciation Club.  Just to attend the annual meeting you must be wearing at least two pieces of corduroy just to attend. Check out the video.

Who would've known??? right? The hubs and I were like some people have too much time on their hands.

But then I went to Banana Republic.

I don't know what happened-I went CORDUROY CRAZY. 

Bought two corduroy pieces!

I admit the picture doesn't do it justice but it's so soft and cozy and a really good, good creamy white. I got  mine a little more fitted and think it will go great with jeans and boots.

And this corduroy blazer.

Totally attending next year's corduroy meeting.

  

Return Policy

I have a tendency to make purchases and instantaneously regret my purchase. Usually, I regret it the moment I'm swiping my credit card. Therefore, I spend a lot of time returning things. Not that I really go around shopping but I made the mistake of mentioning that I wanted some new eye make-up to my sister, Christy also known as "never met a purchase she didn't like."

Of course she suggests going to the Bobbi Brown make-up counter at Lord & Taylor's. Because Bobbi Brown is totally not in my budget so it makes all the sense in the world.

I truly believe sale ladies are nicer to Chris. It's like she release some kind of scent only they can smell that screams, "I will buy, I will buy!"

So of course the nice, beautiful make-up counter lady offered to do our makeup and of course I was happy to oblige because I was truly hoping I'd look as pretty as her once she was done. Well folks, Bobbi Brown make-up is good but it ain't that good.

Sitting in the chair I started to get anxious...I know the deal. Getting your make-up done by a make-up artist at the mall or at Sephora or at a Mary-Kay party is kind of like ordering lobster on a first-date....they're gonna expect you to put out. The pretty make-up lady wasn't taking the time to do my entire face out of the goodness of her heart. She wanted a sale.

I was not planning on spending a lot of  money. I wanted to spend maybe 20 bucks on some new eye-shadow because Kath, my younger sister said I was using all the wrong colors on my eyes and of course I always listen to her.

And of course, I would feel like a complete jerk if I didn't buy SOMETHING but the eye-shadow she used on me was in one of those darn palette thingies so it cost 45 bucks. FORTY-FIVE BUCKS ON EYE-SHADOW. I swear I'm not cheap-I'm just PRACTICAL. Do I really need to spend 45 bucks on this?

I've watched Oprah's debt diet-I already knew the answer. No!

Anyway, I felt suckered to purchase the eye-shadow which I wasn't even really sure I liked and it came out to about 50 bucks with tax and all. And I'm even  more annoyed because I still do not look as good as pretty, make-up counter lady.

So the make-up has been sitting with the receipt in the shopping bag for the past two weeks waiting to be returned. I've been dreading returning it.

The only time I can return it is on the weekends which go as fast as lightning and the last thing I want to do is take the train to 42nd Street and walk to Lord & Taylor's to return this oh-so-pretty make-up but oh-so over-priced for my life.

 See, isn't it it pretty?

But that's not the point. The point is there's more affordable versions of this make-up out there and the real problem here is that there's a good chance that pretty make-up lady will be working and I will have to face her.  She will hate me because she spent 30  minutes on me just to turn around and return it. If I wasn't such a wuss I would never be in this situation in the first place-I would have politely declined the purchase two weeks ago and said I'll have to think about it.
 
And yes, folks she was there last night and yes, she remembered me. 

I quickly revert to Plan B.

I will say that I want to EXCHANGE it for a different eye-shadow-no palette just a shadow. It's a win-win situation. She still get a sale albeit not 50 bucks but I'm back to my original 20 dollar budget and I have a new eye-shadow. I even knew the name of the shadow because I played with  Christy's make-up.

Guess what? They don't make that damn shade anymore and they're busy and she's in the middle of doing someone's face so she tells me to go shopping and come back in 15 minutes and she'll help me find something similar.

But I don't want to go shopping. I want to go HOME. I haven't eaten all day and I've already been waiting for 15 minutes cowering in the corner hoping to get the OTHER sales lady's attention to make my return.

At this point I hate myself. The smell of the perfumes at the nearby counters is starting to make my headache from not eating even worse. Fine, I will wander around the store and with each minute that passes I get more and more angry with myself. She will try to sell me another palette. Then what???

Why can't the city of New York have two Lord&Taylor locations locations so these problems can be avoided???

I come back after my 15 minutes are up. She is still doing make-up. I can't wait any longer. NO EYE SHADOW IS WORTH THIS!  Finally the other sales lady finishes helping another customer and I make my return.

I was in direct sight of petty make-up lady the ENTIRE TIME AT THE REGISTER.

She probably hates her job because of people like me.

fantasy confession

It took today's winner of the NYC Marathon 2 hours, 8 minutes and 14 seconds to run 26 miles. Let's think about this people-TWENTY-SIX miles.  That's a lot of miles to run let alone walk. I think I'm doing good if I get two miles on the treadmill in twenty-five MINUTES.

I am in awe of these marathon runners and it's a big deal in our household. Not that either of us have ever run a marathon but ever since I moved to New York the hubs and I have always checked out the marathon.

I love it-not really the race part but the cheering part. I love the moment when friends and family members spot their marathon runner and go crazy and start jumping up and down with their signs of encouraging words or even better and this is my favorite-there's a cute baby involved and the baby is thrust up and down in the air while marathon runner runs by grinning from ear to ear. LOVE IT.

I should also mention that I have a secret fantasy of scoring the winning goal in the Women's World Cup. (No, I don't play soccer)

Remember this moment?

Ok, in my fantasy I do not take my jersey off.

Also, I have different versions of my fantasy. And it's not always soccer. Sometimes it's tennis. (No, I do not play tennis)

Sometimes, I jump in the air immediately with my arms in the air, other times I collapse to the floor because I am SO exhausted and of course, in disbelief because I am a humble athlete not a cocky one.

But always there is the celebratory hug-which is why I seem to prefer the soccer fantasy because there's other teammates involved to hug. 

I will always watch the end of the world series with my husband and no, I don't play or even really enjoy baseball but it's oh so worth it when the team finally wins and they all run out to the field and hug and jump and good lord don't you just feel the love.

I swear in my next life I'm going to be the next Mary Lou Retton.

can't live with him, could never live without him

What is wrong with my husband falling asleep watching football on a Sunday evening?

nothing, except that while he naps, I'M SLAVING AWAY WORKING ON HIS RESUME-that's what!

I get it. There's nothing worse than working on your resume and when you have a pretty decent job already-there's not much incentive.

But a few weeks ago my cousin's girlfriend called and said there were a few openings at her job in DC! As in back HOME!  She kindly sent the hubs the job posting and told her to send his resume to her. Hubs took one look at the job description and said, "whoa, that job looks hard." Does he bother to write her back? No. Wifey not happy but wifey has a lot on her plate and doesn't have as much time as she'd like to nag dear husband about these important details.

Well fast forward to last night my aunt calling and ME getting in trouble for HIS actions. Can you believe it?

Sigh, I can't be too mad at him though. Because this is my husband helping me do research at the library all day yesterday for a story I am working on.

Yes, microfilm. I thought I was done with this back in college. Apparently not.

You got off easy this time, my friend, next time you might not fair so well.

Mad Women

Validation is VERY important (well at least to me) and today after annoying girl left...I got mine.

Looks like I'm not the only one that annoying girl has been annoying! I don't even know how it came up because I know I would never just come right out and say it but it did.

And it is confirmed-annoying girl is an arrogant, too big for her britches brat!

I know it sounds a little evil but the truth is- it was glorious! The bonding that comes from a united cause. In this case me and  my co-worker against annoying girl.


Which made me think of Peggy and Joan.

It was perhaps the best moment of the season finale of Mad Men the scene when two women with two very different agenda suddenly bond because they both feel slighted.

You can read all about it and watch the video clip here.

Anyway validation is great and I wanna be Joan.

annoying girl

From the moment she walked in I had my suspicions….

Maybe it was because I caught her looking me up and down on her first day when I walked past her desk. The inner black woman in me wanted to snap, “Don’t look at me!”

(I had just caught the end of Big Momma’s House over the weekend)

I wouldn't like this girl.

Once she started talking…totally confirmed it.

On her second day she proclaimed "I come from the something-something family” as in some supposedly prestigious family and I just about puked. I don't see how her having the same blood line as some uppity-up helps us AT ALL.

My irritation with her grew when she started pontificating about proper placement of commas to our series producer.  I wasn't privy to the details but she was saying the comma should be placed outside the quotation mark.  Now I'm no grammar queen; in fact, my grammar sucks but seriously comma outside the quotation marks?

And who talks to their boss in that “I'm right and you're wrong” superior tone on their first week on the job?  (By the way our boss is super duber smart and no, my boss did not change the placement of the comma)

But folks, the truth of the matter is--she IS smarter than me. She's strategic and evil and in the corporate world her arrogance gets translated into success. Trust me I’ve seen her type. She got me right where she wanted me. And it makes me so angry with myself.

She literally cornered me. Since she asks so many freakin’ questions she knows we both take the same train home. It was late on Friday-I was wrapping up and couldn't help but notice she was too. Knowing the last thing I wanted to do was make small talk after an exhausting week I tried to avoid walking out with her. She looked about ready so I made a beeline for the bathroom. I thought I was safe but as I'm making my way back down the hallway, there she was waiting by the elevator.  

Annoying Girl: Want me to wait for you?

Me: Oh, I don’t want to make you wait. I’m still logged in and all..,

Annoying Girl: Oh no! I don’t mind at all.

Why didn't I say no? Why didn't I say I had an email to send out?  

No, of course not-that wouldn't be nice.

Stupid, stupid me.

 So I had to endure a whole train ride from Soho to

Columbus Circle

with annoying girl.

Here's the deal, she was casing me! She was waiting for the right moment to get me alone make like we're buddies just so she could get try to get my deal, figure me out. And I like the big idiot I am handed it right to her.

I couldn’t believe it-we hadn't gotten out the front door and she already asked me how I got the job and did I interview for it? How long was my contract? WHO IS THIS GIRL?

I did not handle it well. And this isn't the first time. I get so upset and really defensive when people start asking me interview-like questions especially when it's obvious it’s all in an effort to take my responses and label me.

Where did you go to school?

Where do you work?

What do you want to do?

Augh! I can't stand it and yes, now that I've had a few days to think about it; I now realize  it's my fragile self that gets the best of me. It is the fragile part of me that hasn't fully recovered from being laid off. It is the part of me that questions if I'm good enough to make it in this industry and is still struggling to figure out what she wants to do with her life.

Don’t get me wrong annoying girl is definitely annoying.

But if I felt secure in my abilities and actually enjoyed the work I’m doing in this gosh darn job-her drilling and annoying questions wouldn’t faze me.

But they do-because honestly I think I’d rather be baking cupcakes and decorating them as pumpkins than working on a show that I know doesn’t match my strengths.

And yes, I am clearly still trying to figure out what those “strengths” are.

hired but kinda wishing I get fired....

In high school I had a teacher read my palm. I can't remember her name to save my  life. I think she taught psychology or was it social studies...  I remember she had the lyrics to the Eagles on her wall, "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy...."

CLEARLY, I went to a very serious and studious high school.

It was one of those lazy afternoons when you know you're supposed to be working in groups or independent study i.e. teacher reads students palms.

I remember this so vividly she said something along the lines of you'll have a job but it won't be the center of your life-you'll work but your family and friends will be more important.

Well here I am a good 14 years later and thinking crazy Eagle-loving psych 101 teacher knew what she was talking about.

Maybe I'm making excuses and selling out and maybe I just haven't found the right career but I think it's darn clear that I'm not in the right job.

It's not that I don't like to work. I like leaving the house and actually putting on make-up and I like walking to the train station with all the other "workers" but I hate how quality of life goes out the window once you're on payroll.

I believe balance is the key to happiness. You know ying and yang. But there's no ying and yang in sight.

It's not eight hours. It's ten plus hours. It's not five days a weeks. It's now two Saturdays in a row where I've had to work. 

Working out-out the window. Back in August,  Jillian and her 30-day shred and I had a date everyday. I FEEL the jeans starting to get tighter. sigh.

And I worry so much. The tension in my neck is so thick I think I'm developing a permament lump. I'm so friggin tired but can't sleep because I'm so stressed out.

Why does it have to be all or nothing. Why is it so hard to find a job you enjoy and earn an honest living and can still have a life?

back home

Our European holiday is over.

I can't believe we went to London, Paris, Venice and Barcelona.

I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.

London already seems so far away.

Four cities in two weeks is a lot to take in and I wouldn't recommend such a grueling pace to anyone.

But it feels like a secret journey only my husband and I shared and that makes it feel even more special.

Without missing a beat we both turned to each other and chirped "holAH" after that adorable two-year old on the plane starting chanting "hola" just the way the shopkeepers and waiters do when they greet you in Barcelona.

We both speak Spanish but have never heard it said quite like this before. It's like they sing it and their voice goes up an octave at the end.

Did this cute kid pick it up on her vacation they way we did?

I hope I'll never forget how adorable my husband looked jumping out of the cab and trying in vain to chase after the bus after it took a really loong second for it to register when I said, "where's the red bag."

..or how we celebrated actually finding the red bag by drinking to the kindness of all Spaniards by getting properly and gloriously tipsy.

And I will always treasure how giddy we both got when we saw the Eiffel Tower sparkle for the first time on our two-year anniversary.  

I'll close this up with a verse from the children's book, "From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler."

"The adventure is over. Everything gets over, and nothing is ever enough. 

Except the part you carry with you. 

It's the same as going on a vacation. Some people spend all their time on a vacation taking pictures so that when they get home they can show their friends evidence that they had a good time. 

They don't pause to let the vacation enter inside them and take that home."  

airport

*post written on Tuesday, September 21, 2010


When you're married to my husband you get to the airport really, really early...in case.. and this is a quote from him, "you get a flat tire on the way to the airport. "

And once we really did. The cab got a flat on the way to the airport. So now you can imagine he ALWAYS brings this up when we ever travel. By the way in case you're wondering we still made our flight that day even with a flat tire.

Anyway I'm excited. My grumpiness has faded. I'm going to London, Paris, Venice and Barcelona!!

Who cares if I don't know the history of every city or the name of every museum.

I am going to be walking the streets of some amazing cities with a man I fell in love with walking the streets of our beloved city; nyc.

holiday

I just witnessed the most incredible break-down from a four-year-old. At least I think she was four or around that age. But let me tell you buddy this girl was fierce for a little person.

I was heading to the store to pick up some last minute things for our European holiday that starts in about seven hours and there was an otherwise totally adorable little brown-haired girl WAILING at the top of her lungs. I mean screaming. This little girl was angry and only getting angrier as her poor mom tried to restrain her and in her best effort remain in control despite the fact that her daughter is causing a holy raucous on 70th and West End.

All I could think was what the "f" would I do? And secondly, "man that woman looks friggin great for having a kid." I wish I looked like that now and I don't even have kids although I did not envy her on the ground trying to keep her daughter running away into the traffic.

But I can relate to this little girl. She doesn't WANT TO CALM DOWN. Which is what the little girl kept wailing back at her poor mom. And I can understand. I'm in a cranky mood and irritable and not the way I imagined feeling hours before a trip of a lifetime.

I keep telling myself to stop being being angry but sometimes I CAN'T STOP BEING MAD. 

I'm irritated because I feel unprepared for this trip. I didn't do enough research. I don't have reservations lined up for our anniversary dinner. It would've been nice to do a cooking class in Paris or at least managed to learn some key phrases in French.

And I had to go to work today and it's a really bad idea to start a new job and after 2 weeks go on vacation for two weeks. They told me it would be ok but it's really not.

I'm irritated that my husband already has the layout of every city we are visiting down pat whereas I can't even remember what avenue the sandwich shop down the street is on.

I'm irritated that my mother-in-law will probably feel the need to call us at the hotels because she HAS to talk to her almost 40 year old son every friggin day or even worse that my husband will buy a calling card right away to call her thus enabling her neurotic behavior.

I'm irritated that all this bothers me.

I sure wish I had time to have gotten that pedicure. 

au revoir!

best of intentions

I had such big plans for this blog.  I wanted to do a series of “imitation is the best form of flattery posts” in honor of some of my all fave blogs I’ve discovered in the past year and a half.  An apartment tour like they do on the home decor blogs or a fashion entry like all the adorable nesties on the beauty and fashion board do…but what can I say? Here’s to the best of intentions.

Here’s all I can offer you. A “before” and “after” shot courtesy of my husband who decided if you’re gonna paint one wall might as well paint them all.

We live in an ugly building. It’s a high rise; it has no character. It’s a cookie cutter. But it’s in the city (important) it’s recently remodeled and clean (super duper important) and it fits all our Ikea furniture. (also important)

It’s been a challenge to make it feel cozy. We painted most of the walls a lovely gray. But this one last wall was left behind.

We decided to take the color plunge and paint it this bold color.

We’re renters. If it sucks the lease will be up eventually.

Anyway here you go.

  

                                                   BEFORE

       

                                             AFTER

Here's another angle

                                             BEFORE

                                             and AFTER

The pictures look a bit pathetic clearly I am no 'Young House Love,'

I’m pretty sure Julie is thinking that the shelf is too high.  I think you may be right.

Oh well.

Till next time.

perfect

Do you want to know what time it is? It's almost one o'clock in the morning. And do you wanna know where I WISH I was?  IN BED! next to my snoring, angelic husband.

And where am I? In front of a computer agonizing over a cover letter that will probably never see the light of day.

I know we haven't really talked about this but I started a new job. Not really "new" because I worked at this same place earlier this year. Here's the thing after my second day back I wanted to FAKE MY DEATH just to get out of this job. So anyway I got to thinking the only way I could really get out of this job and not feel like crap for being a quitter would be if I got another job offer for the perfect job.

Ha! Fat chance I know.

But I actually got on the computer and did a  little search for jobs. I can't remember the last time I actually even went on one of those job websites. They get depressing after awhile because you realize all the jobs out there suck so you become content in working your stay-at-home job that has nothing to do with your career.

So anyway there it was-the perfect job for me. p.e.r.f.e.c.t. has my name written all over it. 

And I applied right away on the "official" company website which means I wasted a good two hours of my life because ain't nobody gonna get hired for this job that applied through the "official" company website. 

And so now I scheme. How do I get my resume to be seen at the perfect job. You gotta go straight to the top-the big dog-the boss. I found a name. Problem.  I do not have an email address. I have a good guess of this person's email. I shall try.

But wait-this is not enough of an effort for perfect job. I must do more. I don't have much options here. Do I send through snail mail? Does anyone even send their resume in the mail. I am sure the assistant to big boss will intercept my resume and cover letter I have painstakingly agonized over and THROW IT AWAY. big boss can't be bothered with this.

I don't think this story is going to end well. I'm pretty certain how this will turn out. I will not get p.e.r.f.e.c.t. job. 

the scenic route

I got lost dropping my husband off at the train station. Well not exactly true..I got lost AFTER I dropped him off (thank god) so the embarrassment and shame of getting lost on a 12 minute drive from the train station that I've done a ZILLION times was only shared by myself.

I am so embarrassed.  How do I get so lost so easily? Where the heck was I going? I swear I just start driving and just go aimlessly into the abyss.

In my defense, it's not like this is my hometown. I didn't grow up here. But my family has lived here for a good five years and I've been traveling down on the train to visit them for a good five years. And I have successfully driven myself or a loved one to the train station and back with success but no not this time.

I don't know what went wrong?? It's such a simple little drive. I'm feeling stressed out now. It's been said that I could get lost in a paper bag and this is not a good quality to have people! I mean one could say this is a metaphor for my LIFE.

My husband was halfway back to New York by the time I made my way back home! And I was in full panic mode mainly because the longer I was lost the greater the chances someone would discover what an idiot I am. This is not the stuff you want to share. I was worried the hubs would call me on the cell phone to make sure I got home already or worse my Dad would call me, "Where are you? I thought the train left at 7:30...it's 8:30???" What will I say, "umm I'll be home soon I just thought I'd take the scenic route through Delaware."

I hate sharing that I am so geographically challenged  especially with the two men in my life who pride themselves on having such a great sense of direction, these two spend hours looking at maps...JUST FOR FUN.

I am not a good driver. I know this. We all can't be good at everything. Cut me some slack I've lived in New York City for five years we don't need to operate heavy, dangerous pieces of machinery to get from point A to point B. 

Secondly, I'm a nervous driver and there can't be anything worse that a nervous driver. And my nervousness gets heightened knowing that all the people around me on the road hate me. Yes, they hate me. I know they do. I FEEL their anger towards me. They pass me on the highway and then crane their head to give me a dirty look because I'm not driving fast enough and yes, I know the left lane is the fast lane and I've got no business driving in the left lane..I'm just waiting for the right moment to SAFELY switch lanes. 

Did I mention that somehow I wound up being the one to help my sister drive the moving van to Boston? I'm having a minor anxiety attack.

I think I'll go to Boston....

.."I think I'll start a new life. I think I need a new town to leave this all behind..."
 

Katalina, my younger sister, is moving back to Boston and I can't stop playing out sappy lyrics in my mind. The other being Cat Stevens, "Wild World"


"..Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world. It' s hard to get by just upon a smile...But if you wanna leave take good care. Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there. But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware..."


I know she'll be happier in Boston. Her boyfriend is in Boston and it ain't like she's got much going on here in Maryland and I don't even live in Maryland yet but I want to and I was hoping she'd be here when I finally made my way back. Katalina went to school to Boston and as a recent grad the job market has been dismal to say the least.

So when she finally got a decent job offer I should've been excited and I was but I wasn't. I know she needs to start a real job, start building that resume but I still cried a little. My mom is truly a good person because I know she doesn't want her to go either but being the good woman she is she prayed fervently during her interview hoping she'd get the job. I'm not gonna try to stop her from going but I sure as heck ain't gonna PRAY for her to get the job that's miles and miles away.

I came across this photograph helping Katalina pack. And being the sentimental freak I am it kinda makes my chest feel full just looking at it and I feel the need to hold back tears.  It's Katalina as a baby and my Dad.

I love this picture I love how in so many of the baby pictures my mom and dad aren't looking into the camera but watching us and so their gaze on us is captured. Seeing my Dad so young and his look of pure love as he looks at his little baby while holding her up makes my heart swell and I find it so symbolic as Kath is about to leave and move out on her own.

I don't have kids but I imagine the love I feel for Kath is kinda what having kids is like. Maybe it's the age difference, maybe it's because she's my little sister....

But I am feeling very jealous of Boston right now... 

get over it

It's 4:30 in the morning and my head hurts. a lot. Today..or technically yesterday was a day that I have been DREADING..it's been a black cloud looming over me. It was my in-laws 50th anniversary party. Good lord you have no idea how I've been dreading this day.  And now that it's over I realize it wasn't the act of getting together with my husband's family or even coming face to face with my mother-in-law despite the last time we were face to face..well let's just say it wasn't pretty...it was the promise of all the icky feelings and nasty issues ingrained in my very flawed self that would come rushing to the surface.

I hate, hate, HATE that I have these seriously f-d up issues with certain people in my husband's family. I hate that my mind can swirl all these unpleasant thoughts in my head over and over until I'm left exhausted and consumed with bitterness and resentment.

And think what you will of Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love" but sister no truer words were ever written when she wrote that resentment was like smoking a cigarette, even one puff is bad for you.

 So this "day" that I've been dreading is over. My sister in her usual corrupt sense of humor suggested I wear a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet but in the end I didn't need one. I was on my best behavior. I tried my best to push aside any thoughts of negativity, I was not mean to my husband which I admit, I have done in the past and I tried my best to smile knowing that no one likes to see a sour face. And most importantly and this one was hard folks...I did not drink one drop of alcohol. Yea, I admit I've learned the hard way, emotional woman and alcohol DON'T MIX.

But those thoughts, those f-ed up feelings started bubbling up already. Oh it's the perfect mixture of ugliness. insecurity, jealousy, resentment all rolled into one bad headache and I'm sure this is causing me wrinkles.

I wish I knew how to make my mind just STOP. Stop playing the bad things over and over.  And it's truly ridiculous because I've got a really good marriage. An f-ing GREAT marriage so HONEY GET OVER IT ALREADY.

And even though my head still hurts I feel a little better already.

Maybe there is some truth to this whole writing thing.

shoeless in new york

So there I was on 66th and Columbus feeling pretty good about myself. I had just purchased the MAC mineral foundation and the pretty make-up lady had just put some on my face and  I'm feeling all around pleased with myself. I was even proud of my bump. (I've been watching hair tutorials lately. god bless you tube.) I have always envied girls with bumps... 


 and while my bump pales in comparison and I think you can see all the bobby pins in disarray at least it's a BUMP. So I head out to catch the cross town bus to meet my friend Ginny who lucky for me offered to let me borrow her silver clutch for tomorrow night. And I see the bus on the corner and so I start to run to catch the bus. And then BAM the strap to my stupid flip flop breaks and I'm trying to catch myself and not fall flat on my face in the middle of the intersection. 

Yup there I am-I can't walk with the flip flop the whole strap is broken so what do I do?? I take the flip flop off and walk with only one shoe...yes, thus EXPOSING MY FOOT TO THE DIRTY STREETS OF NEW YORK!

There's something you should know about me-I am a germ phob so it's unfortunate that I live in such a dirty city. And New York City is dirty believe me you (or is it believe you me?)  I've lived her for five years and after my first summer here I vowed to stop wearing flops. I LOVE flip flops don't get me wrong is there anything that more summery than throwing on flip flops and running out the door.

Well guess what, you wear flip flops in this city you will come home and your feet will be BLACK-like dirt. BLACK. That's how dirty this place is. And so I NEVER wear flip flops..well never except today when I don't know what flew up my skirt and made me think oh it'll be okay if I wear flip flops it'll look good with this summer dress. HA BAD DECISION my friend, bad decision.

I had to wobble to a cab, yes a cab. My bare foot was also exposed to the cab despite my best efforts not to let my foot touch the floor.  I know what happens in cabs. People THROW UP in cabs because they can't handle their liquor. (Not that I, myself have ever thrown up in a cab. I moved her in my late twenties by then I had properly learned to handle my liquor)

To make matters worse, I finally get back to my apartment building and wouldn't you know it the guy waiting for the elevator checking out my pathetic attempt to wobble on one foot lives on the same floor. Great... "nice to meet you Steve. Yea, my strap broke. I live in 4G"

I went straight to the bathroom to scrub my feet. I am convinced I've caught some kind of disease.

Inspiration

A year and a half ago back when I was a working girl in a fancy schmancy building that has it's own primetime show I never read blogs. I'd peruse news websites and perhaps political blogs...BORING...but then God decided to shake things up for me and I found myself working from home. (go ahead I already know what you're thinking)  WORKING FROM HOME... HA we all know "working from home" isn't REALLY working. Whatever. I'll address that some other day. But anyway that's when I became a loyal blog reader. I became shamefully addicted to random people's daily updates in life. People I don't know!!! 

And so I've decided to start my own blog. I know what you're thinking, "just what the world needs another blogger." Well I can promise you this, there will be no pretty outfit of the day posts or DIY tutorials just inconsistent posts and improper use of the comma and whatever other randomness my head comes up with. But I do hope that this will be the one place I can come and be real.

That said, here is the inspiration for my blog which comes from the HOTTEST couple on television-Cameron and Mitchell from ABC's Modern Family.

It's from an episode where Mitchell tries to come to terms with some of his feelings and goes like this:

CAMERON:
You always do this, instead of letting your feelings out you bury them and they bubble up later in hurtful ways.

MITCHELL:
Okay, maybe I was a little resentful. But that's embarrassing and petty and not a good color on me. It's like you and yellow.

CAMERON:
What? You love my yellow shirt.

MITCHELL:
It kind of makes you look like the sun.

CAMERON:
See? Bubbling. Hurtful bubbling. ....CAMERON WALKS AWAY

So anyway this is me and all my not so good colors.