First Day Solo

Baby boy came early. Two weeks early and I promise this time, I won't wait until a year after baby is born to write down his birth story. 

Two weeks and one day. First time just me and my two loves. No baby daddy, no grandparents or friends. Just us three for ten hours. 

My mom called last night and asked if I wanted her to change her plans. I told her, I got this and honestly I was curious to see how it goes. 

It's not even 2 o'clock in the afternoon but I think we're doing ok. By some  miracle, I manged to bake muffins with Buttercup and baby boy slept. 

Not in arms and flat on his back! 

But the biggest miracle is this combo nap that is happening right now as we speak!

 

Only thing missing is me-napping. Which I intend to try to do. So if you'll excuse me. 

I'm fully aware that the rest of this day may go to hell so let me enjoy this while I can. 

Finding your voice

My kid talks a lot.

I imagine most almost-three-year-olds talk a lot but I don't have a real reference point. All I know, is that we have another talking human being in our family full of questions, ideas and opinions. And some of the stuff she says blows my mind. 

So far, miss chatter box really only graces us with her talkative, inquisitive ways. Buttercup has always been a reserved child. Slow to warm up to people, or in a lot of cases, never warms up to people. 

I think she's barely spoken a word to anyone that isn't us (her parents) or her grandparents or aunts. When asked a direct question she usually kinda just stares back at the person. It can be awkward. I've read I'm not supposed to answer for her but I admit, sometimes the silence kills me! 

But she's starting to talk! To strangers! People she's never met before. In my mind, this is a huge. 

I've been dragging Buttercup to a lot of doctor appointments lately. And she does remarkably well. She's such a little grown up sometimes, asking questions, making observations. At a recent eye appointment, the technician asked her if she was having a baby brother or baby sister. Usual pause followed with BC just staring back and then she said, "A BABY BROTHER!" I almost fell over myself. 

We've had a few other moments. A lady asked her her name. Pause...long pause and then BC answered with great authority, "I AM SOPHIA." 

I know this might be "no big deal" but BC has always been so reserved. It's always been a concern of mine.

Am I enabling her shyness? Squashing her ability to be a self sufficient, independent adult? Am I coddling her? Doing more harm keeping her at home with me instead of sending her to school? These are questions I've over-analyzed about myself and things I've been criticized for. 

Lately, I've seen BC make huge social strides. We've been taking music classes since Buttercup was about 18 months. In the beginning, BC sat on my lap and barely participated. I admit, I fretted and  compared. Children younger than her would actively participate, go and grab instruments. Not my kid. This past week in music class, when I saw her singing at the top of her lungs and laughing out loud during some of the activities my.heart.soared.

Not only does it bring me joy but there's a certain validation I feel. Do you remember the "How do you like them apples?" scene from 'Good Will Hunting?' That's how I feel. 

I've been a mother for almost three years now. It's been an amazing journey but it's also been at times a lonely journey sometimes full of self doubt and anxiety. You see, it turns out, EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC. And when it comes to parenting, holy shit. People are frigging analyzing the crap out of you. And I'm sick of it. 

I'm sick of my relatives and friends WHO DON'T HAVE KIDS being so quick to offer parenting solutions or criticisms. 

I'm sick of friends WITH KIDS that think it's ok to make unsupportive comments or tell you how you should handle your kid. 

But mostly I'm sick of MYSELF for doubting myself and not squashing the critics right from the bat and letting them get into my head. 

As I wait for baby boy to arrive and for Buttercup to lose her status as an only child, I'm feeling nervous. I'm pretty sure this new chapter of parenthood will rock all our worlds and I fully expect a new wave of challenges and obstacles. But I'm hoping that if I've learned anything so far being a mom is that, my kid is all right. We are going to be just fine. 

Bury the lede

So I totally snuck that snippet of news that we are expecting at the end of my last post.

…you know, my last post that was a zillion years ago.

What can I say? Sometimes it's hard to keep up and get to this little space of the internet to document and reflect. I had so many plans for this little diary of mine and hopes of documenting this pregnancy but alas, here we are at 28 weeks   THIRTY THREE WEEKS and I have yet to take one weekly bump shot. 

It makes me a bit sad because I truly think this second time around warrants so much more. Going into this knowing what I know now is such a different experience. There is relief, because no matter what, I will never be that first time mom ever again. Between you and me being a first time mom kinda sucked. All the worrying I did. Not that I won't worry or still don't constantly worry. Worry and doubt run through my veins and I'm not naive enough to think that this second time will be a breeze or assume this second experience will be just like my first experience with Buttercup but there is some comfort knowing that I've gone through this before.

Already, this little baby has been such a different experience from Buttercup in so many ways.

It took us waaay longer to get pregnant this time. And once I got pregnant it just felt different. First of all, I was hungry ALL THE TIME!!!  It seemed out of control. I'd wake up hungry, I'd get up in the middle of the night to eat, just hungry all the time! I definitely don't remember feeling this way with BC. I also feel more tired and just more blah this time around. Other differences? Wild and crazy dreams. Oh good lord. Thank God they finally subsided because those dreams weirded me out!

And maybe it all makes sense it feels different this time around because we are having a boy! A boy! I won't lie. I might have been a little shocked when I saw those blue balloons come out of that box. (Sorry there isn't actually a good photo of said blue balloons coming out of the box)

Sure, I knew it was a 50/50 chance we'd have a boy but I'm just so used to girls! I grew up with sisters. I've got all these cute girl clothes all ready to go! Who will be Buttercup's maid-of-honor? This means one day I might have a daughter-in-law which means I will turn into a monster-in-law despite all my efforts to be a normal human being. But everyone tells me I have no idea how wonderful the mother-son relationship is. And I believe them. I do. Forget about Elsa and Ana.

So I've got seven weeks left-give or take. And I am freaking the heck out. I've been nursing a cold that has lasted 24 days. I feel pretty confident that I never fully recovered from my first cold and just got another cold circa day 21 because my symptoms started back up again. Which sucks but I'm pushing through. This baby will be here before you know it. And I've decided that in addition to getting ready for baby, I must finish several projects around the house. Which hopefully one day I will share here. One day...

But for now I'll leave you with this photo "project"to announce our pregnancy with friends and family.  Naturally, my desire for this photo project drove everyone around me crazy. I knew I wanted to do another play on the "bun in the oven" theme like we did the first time. And so help me, I was going to make it happen even if my husband wanted to kill me.

our first bun in the oven photo