Eternal Search for Perfect Job...or at this rate...Any Job

"You are just never at peace with yourself," my husband says with a sigh last night on the couch. Yeah, you can say that again.

I am never happy with where I am in my life. Never satisfied. Even though I technically have a job, I still decide to punish myself and get a demeaning, low-paying other one. Is it the Catholic in me that believes I must suffer?

Yes, I started a new gig this week. I use the word "gig" because to call it a "job" just wouldn't be right. A job has connotations of real pay, you know in exchange for services that require actual thinking and maybe even benefits, a 401K.  This "gig" includes none of the above.

I've been feeling desperate. I haven't worked since January. That's a long time. I know I'm lucky   blessed to still have the "work from home job" but it's not a job in my field and a few weeks ago my sister sent me an article about how companies view you as unemployable if you've been unemployed for more than six months. Basically, they figured you've already been passed over, so they don't want you. And this freaked me out.  Plus, I'm just l.o.n.e.l.y.

I don't like staying home all day.

So in my desperation, I started applying to any and every job out there in my field-even, gulp, internships.

I got zero call backs.

This is not good. I am young, it's not like I can go the rest of my life without a real job.

Finally, someone wrote me asking me to come in. Do you remember how I mentioned that I got my start in the mail room? Well, this may even be beneath the mail room.

I spend all day transcribing and logging video. I'm feeling like such a fat loser.

I'm hunched over a computer and a video deck, typing away. Is this how the Jewish and Italian immigrants felt slaving away making blouses before they were killed in the Triangle Fire??? I feel like what I do is the 21st Century version of a sweatshop but instead of a sewing machine I've got a computer and a video deck.

My reasoning for taking this job is that I need to just get myself out there. And it is a production company so it's related, you know, it's not like I took a job in retail. Although ever since my sister stopped working at JCrew and lost her discount, I have been considering retail....

Ironically, on my first day I transcribed an interview with an 80-year-old man that's still working and I found myself feeling jealous of him because he loves his job. He says going to work everyday is the one thing keeping him alive. The producer asked him if he ever plans on leaving his job. He said, "Never! they'll take me out the back door when I die."

Wow. Can you imagine loving your job so much that you'd like want to die at work? Will I ever find a job like that? Probably not.  Not only did this old man LOVE his job but he also made good money. Apparently, when you're 80 you don't feel the need to be humble about how much money you make. The thing that kills me is that this 80-year old man didn't do anything special to get this job it just LANDED ON HIS LAP. 

ROUGH TRANSCRIPTION BASED FROM MY MEMORY OF TYPING OUT EVERY SINGLE SYLLABLE  THAT CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH
80-year old man: I didn't have a job and one day I'm just sitting in a restaurant and my friend comes in and says, Marvin there's a job down the street-they're waiting for you. And I go, who are they? And my friend says just go and see them they're waiting for you. So I go and I don't even open my mouth the entire time-they do all the talking and hire me right there. And they asked me how much do you want and I gave them a number and they said sure, sure fine and here I am 50 years later. (smiles at camera)

Sigh, sometimes you just get lucky sitting in a restaurant.

I Survived

I know not getting along with your in-laws is as American as apple pie. I mean entire sitcoms have been based around annoying in-laws.

There's the Honeymooners. (poor Jackie Gleason could never catch a break from his mother-in-law) and Everyone Loves Raymond . Even cartoons depict America's strained relationship between in-laws.  Remember the Flintstones? Let's just say Wilma's mother was not Fred's biggest fan.

I guess writers figure it makes for good TV and comedy but I, myself can't even sit through an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond.  I will seriously make my husband change the channel. Consider it a sore spot but that lady is SO MEAN! I'm talking of course about Ray's mom.

But here's the thing she's only SO MEAN to her daughter-in-law.

Who if you ask me is just a LOVELY person and if anything Ray's mom should be kissing the ground her daughter-in-law walks on for putting up with her son. Yea, I know it's only television but what can I say it's a sore spot.

The in-laws flew in on Friday and just having them in the same state made me feel totally and utterly unsettled. I HATE feeling this way.

I guess the thing that really kills me is that I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME!!

I mean seriously guys I am a likable person REALLY. Getting along with folks isn't a problem for me. I have great manners, a great personality.

Exhibit A. my high school yearbook  is just chuck-full of pleasantries such as "you are the nicest person I know" "and "don't ever change."

Exhibit B. ex-boyfriend's mothers all LOVED ME.  I mean I haven't had too many boyfriends but of the ones I've had there's not a single mom that didn't like me. In fact we all became the BEST OF FRIENDS! Really we got along just splendidly. We got along so great that there were some boyfriends I didn't even want to break up because that meant losing his mother as a BFF!

But just like Debra from Everyone Loves Raymond there's no good reason for her mother-in-law to not like her. 

In high school I had this cult obsession with the movie, "Empire Records."

There's this scene where Liv Tyler whines to Renee Zellweger that "Deb" (their co-worker) hates her. Renee responds, "Yeah, she hates me, too.  But I have enough sense to hate her back."

I think a lot of newlyweds/wives go that route. Figure, hey she hates me I'll hate her back EVEN MORE. And they talk tough about how horrible and miserable their mother-in-laws are and act like they don't care that they don't get along with the woman that gave birth to their husband.

Well,  I am not that tough-talking girl. Trust me, I tried to act tough and be all like "I don't care" with the attitude of a 14-year-old but that front didn't last long and ended up with hot tears spilling down my cheeks in a very public place (not one of my best moments) that sure didn't stem from NOT caring but caring and caring a lot and feeling really hurt.

It makes me sad that my mother-in-law and I don't have a relationship-that the thought of visiting my husbands family this Mother's Day causes me so much angst and anxiety. It hurts my feelings that I see her be perfectly nice and warm to others which makes me realize she's capable of being nice but only feel coldness from her.

Of course this is MY version and not hers. She may very well argue that I am the cold, standoffish one.

Well today is the day AFTER Mother's Day and I am here to tell you I survived. Dare I say, the tension is even becoming a little less between us. Of course I took preemptive measures like making sure I wore pants to cover the veins in my legs which my mother-in-law had no problem pointing out the first time she met me and I made sure to not eat any bread so as to not provoke her saying out loud how bread turns into sugar and then fat.

Yes, I say it was almost a success.  Sure it helped that after politely saying "hello" and I wished her a happy Mother's Day we retreated to opposite corners of the patio. (Not an easy task considering the patio was about the size of a closet.) Baby steps people baby steps.

For newlyweds that just naturally mesh with their spouse's family-good for you. It really is a blessing to get along well with your in-laws. This has not been the case with this marriage. I think meshing into a new family is tough especially when your spouse has already got a weird relationship with his own family it makes it really hard to navigate.

I don't think my mother-in-law and I will be the best of friends EVER. I still feel uncomfortable at family get-togethers but I do think it's getting better.

I am just thankful that this visit didn't send me to the brink of despair which past visits have. I actually even didn't stay up all night worrying about it like I have in the past and most importantly my husband and I did not fight ONCE over his family.....of course they don't leave until next Saturday....there's still time to screw this up.  :)