get over it

It's 4:30 in the morning and my head hurts. a lot. Today..or technically yesterday was a day that I have been DREADING..it's been a black cloud looming over me. It was my in-laws 50th anniversary party. Good lord you have no idea how I've been dreading this day.  And now that it's over I realize it wasn't the act of getting together with my husband's family or even coming face to face with my mother-in-law despite the last time we were face to face..well let's just say it wasn't pretty...it was the promise of all the icky feelings and nasty issues ingrained in my very flawed self that would come rushing to the surface.

I hate, hate, HATE that I have these seriously f-d up issues with certain people in my husband's family. I hate that my mind can swirl all these unpleasant thoughts in my head over and over until I'm left exhausted and consumed with bitterness and resentment.

And think what you will of Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love" but sister no truer words were ever written when she wrote that resentment was like smoking a cigarette, even one puff is bad for you.

 So this "day" that I've been dreading is over. My sister in her usual corrupt sense of humor suggested I wear a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet but in the end I didn't need one. I was on my best behavior. I tried my best to push aside any thoughts of negativity, I was not mean to my husband which I admit, I have done in the past and I tried my best to smile knowing that no one likes to see a sour face. And most importantly and this one was hard folks...I did not drink one drop of alcohol. Yea, I admit I've learned the hard way, emotional woman and alcohol DON'T MIX.

But those thoughts, those f-ed up feelings started bubbling up already. Oh it's the perfect mixture of ugliness. insecurity, jealousy, resentment all rolled into one bad headache and I'm sure this is causing me wrinkles.

I wish I knew how to make my mind just STOP. Stop playing the bad things over and over.  And it's truly ridiculous because I've got a really good marriage. An f-ing GREAT marriage so HONEY GET OVER IT ALREADY.

And even though my head still hurts I feel a little better already.

Maybe there is some truth to this whole writing thing.