drowsy but awake

"It is crucial to put your baby down drowsy but awake."

I remember reading this in all the parenting/baby books milling around the apartment but didn't pay much attention. And now nine months in, I realized I should have.  These words HAUNT me and sitting in a dark room at a godforsaken hour watching my husband rock our little girl in his arms I want nothing more than to DROP-KICK these words.

It's not that I chose to blatantly ignore the advice of all the parenting experts, I TRIED to put Buttercup down drowsy but awake but guess what? She didn't really dig it, she much preferred to fall asleep in my arms than actually having to learn to fall sleep on her own and I was only happy to oblige.

You see as a first time mom it would be fair to compare me to a young school girl, blinded by love wearing rose colored glasses all the while repeating over and over, "You can't spoil a baby, you can't spoil a baby! I'm teaching her security and comfort-ALL THE EXPERTS SAY SO!"

True, but those same experts that assured me I couldn't spoil my baby still said, "yo momma put your baby down drowsy but awake!" Now we're knee-deep in "poor" sleep associations as in, I need to be on your boob and in your arms to sleep and at nine months-well it makes me feel like the biggest fail of a parent.

It wasn't always this way she USED to go down rather easily in her crib but then we hit four months and we moved into my parents basement and then there was the business trip to Tampa.....and so here we are. 

Dr. Ferber calls us "reactive cosleepers" or as the Sleep Lady Shuffle likes to refer to us  "We didn't plan it this way" co-sleepers.  Oh yea-I've read them all and if you're a parent whose kid doesn't sleep well then chances are you have too because when your baby doesn't sleep it CONSUMES you.

So whats our strategy-I've got no freaking clue. Despite reading and rereading all these sleep books I'm still at a loss-pathetic I know. But something has got to give because baby girl needs to sleep-this isn't so much about me and my exhaustion it's about her neurons connecting!

But change is not easy, especially in the middle of the night when you're dog tired. I feel pretty confident this night will end where it always does, Buttercup in bed with us, snuggled up against me, her lil' head nuzzled in my neck. I try to remind myself that it'll all pass too soon and I'll miss this-I'll miss it so much but man oh man I miss me some zzzz's.