Six months ago, Buttercup was 11 months and she napped in my arms. And this was definitely a problem. Just ask my back and my neck and the level of my productivity.
"Why not just put BC down in her crib," you ask? Sounds so reasonable and logical doesn't it? So seriously, why didn't I just DO IT? It's a question I kept asking myself. I guess to try to make anyone understand I'd have to start at the beginning.
When I first started out on this journey of motherhood, BC would fall asleep rather easily (in arms, of course, while nursing) and when she was a newborn I just held her because who are we kidding is there anything better than holding your sweet, sleeping newborn? But as she got older and my maternity leave was coming to an end I knew I had to start putting her down. So after BC would fall asleep I would proceed to transfer her to the crib. Usually the transfer was a success and she'd continue sleeping....for TWENTY minutes! Twenty minutes people, that's it! It would be like clockwork. You can't get much done in twenty minutes. Trust me, I know. I've tried and so I just said screw it and made myself comfortable and turned on Lifetime. (Heck, might as well catch up on 'Grey's Anatomy.' And can we just say season six finale was crazy good)
When we moved down to Maryland, my mom would scold "our bad habits" and told me I had to put her down in crib. And being the obedient daughter that I am, I listened and would put BC down in the crib and she would wake up after...you guessed it-20 minutes! This went on for a few weeks/months? It's all so cloudy now.
THEN I started reading sleep training books and holy hell it was quite the wake up call.
There's a lot of different philosophies out there when it comes to sleep and sleep training--crying, no cry..but if there's one thing all these sleep experts agree on is that 20 minute naps is NOT enough sleep. Some of these experts drop scary words like ADHD, low attention spans, unadaptable personalities, obesity --all associated with your kid not getting enough sleep. And BC wasn't getting enough sleep that I knew for sure. Starting around four months (same time as moving down to MD) BC stopped sleeping through the night and would wake up several times a night.)
When Elizabeth Pantley said do whatever it takes to get your baby to nap; well, I took it to heart and then some. The theory is that a well rested baby will sleep better at night. And so began my obsession with nap and sleep times.
And so we did it. There's no way to sugarcoat it. It was hard. There were tears. From me, from Buttercup. We tried our hardest to make it as gentle as possible. But there were still tears. It took a really.long.time but it WORKED. BC sleeps! For like double digit hours people! She falls asleep on her own, without me, in her crib and she is OK. She is more than OK, she is fucking fabulous. She is not damaged or emotionally scarred. She is a happier baby and I am a better mother, no, scratch that I am a better HUMAN BEING now that we are all sleeping better.
There's a zillion different' "sleep training methods" out there. And you really do need to find the right one for you and your family. We ended up loosely following the "Sleep Lady Shuffle." I would describe it as a more gradual approach to helping your child learn to fall asleep. The first three nights, you sit next to the crib, the next three nights after that you sit in the middle of the room, then the doorway, etc until your child is able to fall asleep with you out of sight. And if you're like us, you add a week of sitting in your bedroom doorway reading "Where's Spot" because you have a hard time cutting the cord... Like I said, we followed this method loosely. You really gotta do what's right for you. But in all seriousness, it wasn't until we "cut the cord," so to speak, that BC finally started sleeping better.
This post is for the momma's out there that find their way to the Internet in the middle of the night, desperate for sleep-for themselves and for their babies. I'm pretty sure that you love your kid, much like I do, with every single cell in your body. You fell in love with this little person and you probably thank God, or the universe or whatever you believe in for giving you this bundle of joy and you are so, so thankful that you make a vow to do absolutely everything in your power to raise a healthy, happy person. Don't get sucked in. Don't think that loving your kid and being a good mother is measured up in scoops of self sacrifice. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your baby and for yourself is to put him down already.
P.S. These are all the books I read and I'd highly recommend them all. And if you are expecting a little one, here's my unsolicited advice. Spend less time worrying about how many onsies to buy or which stroller to register for and spend some time reading about babies and sleep. Before I had my own kid, I just thought kids sleep. Little did I know....
The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight: Gentle Proven Solutions to Help Your Child Sleep Well and Wake Up Happy
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems
I made it my mission in life to figure out her sleepy windows and do whatever it took to get her to sleep and I did. And for us, that translated to rocking her to sleep and letting her sleep in my arms because as soon as I'd try to put her down nap time would be over. My kid went from 20 minute naps to sleeping for TWO hours at a time!! Great, right? Wrong. She's sleeping in my arms. Which means, I'm not working while she sleeps, I'm not cleaning or showering or cooking, I'm sitting on my arse for two hours. I know what some of you might be thinking. "How terrible for you!" (insert sarcasm) And I admit, at times it was a nice break in the day to hold my sweet girl and watch her make funny faces and noises while she slept and it was the only time in the day when I could surf the web, read blogs, send emails and sometimes even catch up on a cat nap myself. I knew that I was truly blessed to even have the luxury of this option. But I also knew that this couldn't go on. There was a time in my life where I felt like a productive human being, back then I just felt like a human pillow.
Two hours is a long time. And I still had to make up for those two hours somewhere right? Which meant I would still be up and working hours after BC went to bed for the night and it sucked. Maybe I could've kept up this façade if BC slept well at night but that was definitely not the case. BC would wake up several times a night and my husband and I would rock, sing, pace the room--all to get her to fall back asleep. After nursing was completely over, I will say that BC did start sleeping better. We even had several nights where she slept through the night. But it certainly wasn't consistent and BC started waking up super early. Five, sometimes even earlier. I could have maybe managed her early wake up if I hadn't stayed up until 11:30 finishing my work.
The whole routine left me cranky and seriously feeling like I absolutely had no "me-time." I would dream of nap times where I could roam through the house prepping dinner, work or even heaven forbid exercise or do my hair. I missed alone time with my husband. I missed alone time with me.
When Buttercup turned one, I took her birth date as a time to really reflect on the past year and take an honest assessment on how things were going . I questioned my parenting decisions and thought long and hard about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I could probably write a book if I had the time on my thoughts and reflections from our first year but one thing was for sure--the whole sleeping thing wasn't working. And that was a hard thing for me to accept and even harder for me to take action.
But something had to give. I knew she needed sleep. I BELIEVE in sleep. I knew she needed it which is why I found myself in the whole sleeping in arms situation but Buttercup was one and one thing was sure, she couldn't sleep in my arms forever.
And so I finally began to just "put her down already." She would still fall asleep in my arms but then I would take her to our bedroom and put her in our bed. We set up the computer in our room so I could work while she slept. You may be asking, "why your bed? Why not just the crib?" Well, it came down to this. I needed this girl to sleep and she was used to sleeping in our bed already at night and she knew the difference between our bed and her crib, trust me. It wasn't an ideal solution. I knew that. But I made it work. She didn't sleep as well or as long as she would have if I just let her sleep in my arms and she would ALWAYS wake up when she hit a sleep cycle at roughly 40 minutes or an hour into her nap and it would be hit or miss, sometimes she would roll over and fall back asleep other times I knew it's not gonna happen and I would quickly jump from my computer chair and lie down next to her and pat her back to sleep or pick her up and rock her back to sleep.
I thought this was working for us. I was getting work done. I was actually able to go to the bathroom while she slept. I know that sounds ridiculous but when she slept in my arms I literally would have to hold my pee till she woke up so being able to go to the bathroom even just once a day ALONE was like this new found freedom. This was huge...or so I thought.
Two hours is a long time. And I still had to make up for those two hours somewhere right? Which meant I would still be up and working hours after BC went to bed for the night and it sucked. Maybe I could've kept up this façade if BC slept well at night but that was definitely not the case. BC would wake up several times a night and my husband and I would rock, sing, pace the room--all to get her to fall back asleep. After nursing was completely over, I will say that BC did start sleeping better. We even had several nights where she slept through the night. But it certainly wasn't consistent and BC started waking up super early. Five, sometimes even earlier. I could have maybe managed her early wake up if I hadn't stayed up until 11:30 finishing my work.
The whole routine left me cranky and seriously feeling like I absolutely had no "me-time." I would dream of nap times where I could roam through the house prepping dinner, work or even heaven forbid exercise or do my hair. I missed alone time with my husband. I missed alone time with me.
When Buttercup turned one, I took her birth date as a time to really reflect on the past year and take an honest assessment on how things were going . I questioned my parenting decisions and thought long and hard about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I could probably write a book if I had the time on my thoughts and reflections from our first year but one thing was for sure--the whole sleeping thing wasn't working. And that was a hard thing for me to accept and even harder for me to take action.
But something had to give. I knew she needed sleep. I BELIEVE in sleep. I knew she needed it which is why I found myself in the whole sleeping in arms situation but Buttercup was one and one thing was sure, she couldn't sleep in my arms forever.
And so I finally began to just "put her down already." She would still fall asleep in my arms but then I would take her to our bedroom and put her in our bed. We set up the computer in our room so I could work while she slept. You may be asking, "why your bed? Why not just the crib?" Well, it came down to this. I needed this girl to sleep and she was used to sleeping in our bed already at night and she knew the difference between our bed and her crib, trust me. It wasn't an ideal solution. I knew that. But I made it work. She didn't sleep as well or as long as she would have if I just let her sleep in my arms and she would ALWAYS wake up when she hit a sleep cycle at roughly 40 minutes or an hour into her nap and it would be hit or miss, sometimes she would roll over and fall back asleep other times I knew it's not gonna happen and I would quickly jump from my computer chair and lie down next to her and pat her back to sleep or pick her up and rock her back to sleep.
I thought this was working for us. I was getting work done. I was actually able to go to the bathroom while she slept. I know that sounds ridiculous but when she slept in my arms I literally would have to hold my pee till she woke up so being able to go to the bathroom even just once a day ALONE was like this new found freedom. This was huge...or so I thought.
Starting at around 14 months, it got increasingly harder to get Buttercup to fall asleep. Since analyzing my daughter's sleep patterns was my mission in life, I had been able to figure out her sleepy times and would for the most part be able to put her to sleep rather easily. But it started to not be so easy; more like pulling teeth. I would rock, sway, sing, hum for sometimes up to an hour and she wouldn't fall asleep. She was tired, I was sure of it. Her eyes would be half closed but she just wouldn't fall asleep. And I was slowly, but surely, starting to lose it. I felt angry and frustrated and then would just feel a huge amount of guilt because I felt angry and frustrated and I could not ignore the growing resentment I felt growing in the pit of my stomach. I feel terrible, just awful really, even writing that line out but it's the truth.
Enter two dirty words. "Sleep training." Everyone and I mean everyone told me I had to do it--the pediatrician, the lady in line at the grocery store, my family, my friends. Basically the theory is that your kid has to learn to fall asleep on their own by self-soothing themselves. And Buttercup definitely did not know how to put herself to sleep on her own. Every book I read, every real life mom told me I needed to do it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't. I knew that "sleep training" would mean a fair amount of tears no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. Believe me when I tell you I tried my hardest to go the route of "no tears." I probably read and reread that "No-Cry Sleep Solution" book a zillion times and while I may have had some success with some of the recommendations in the book, Buttercup was pretty darn conditioned at this point to fall asleep in my arms. And it was going to be a straight up bitch to break this cycle.
Here's why I used to think "sleep training" was this awful, awful thing. Somewhere in those early months as a mom, I got it in my head that sleep training = making your kid cry =setting your kid up to become damaged goods. And what mom wants that? Definitely not this one.
Looking back, I can see myself, a rookie mom tired and exhausted turning to my IPhone and typing "baby won't sleep" or some variation into Google looking for answers, looking for HELP. Instead, I just found myself a complex. Let's just say I really wish I hadn't turned to Google. Who knows which mommy board I stumbled upon or which response to a thread it was but the damage was done. The message was loud and clear. Only selfish mother's sleep train. A mother's job is to respond to their child's needs and if your kid is getting up a zillion times at night then suck it up. Your kid will learn to sleep through the night when he's ready. Anti sleep-training moms (and let's be clear I've never met one of these moms in real life only on the Internet will argue that letting your kid cry will cause him to feel abandoned and insecure and he will only wind up falling asleep because he'll basically have learned to give up on humanity i.e. you, his mother. And the truly effed up thing, people, is that I knew better. I really did. I read all the sleep books backed up by research and years of experience by experts. Real life moms supported sleep training and their kids seemed fine and the real life moms that didn't sleep train-well at least the ones in my small circle of friends and family were the ones screaming, no, more like shouting at me to do it. But this mommy guilt I felt had a hold on me and I just couldn't break free. And again, looking back and writing about it I feel kind of pathetic. Here I am, a woman in my 30's, now a mother and I'm so easily influenced by people I've never met. What does that say about me? The thing is, philosophically speaking "responding to your kid's needs" and building a secure, trusting relationship with my kid is totally the kind of parent I want to be and letting your kid cry-even if it's for their own good feels like wrong. Nothing about it feels right. Nothing. It feels wrong, absolutely and utterly wrong. And so I kept praying that BC would hurry up and decide she's ready to sleep through the night like those Internet moms said but that never happened. Instead of getting better it seemed to be getting worse and worse.
It got so out of control. I was so miserable and yet I suffered in silence. I couldn't complain or vent or cry on any one's shoulder because the first thing they'd ask is, "well have you tried letting her cry in the crib?" So I avoided the topic at all costs. My jaw would tense up whenever it was brought up by well-meaning friends and loved ones. After time they learned to not bring it up.
So there I was, a mom that "loved her kid so much she didn't want to make her baby cry" now having feelings of resentment towards her kid. Where's the sense in that? Because feeling resentment and frustration is soo much healthier for me and my kid. It was a really hard time for me. As a mom I didn't want to feel this way. I couldn't help but feel like the writing was on the wall-something had to give. I'm the parent, I'm the one that's supposed to fix what's not working and this wasn't working. Not for anyone. Not for me and not for BC, who definitely wasn't getting enough sleep.
Enter two dirty words. "Sleep training." Everyone and I mean everyone told me I had to do it--the pediatrician, the lady in line at the grocery store, my family, my friends. Basically the theory is that your kid has to learn to fall asleep on their own by self-soothing themselves. And Buttercup definitely did not know how to put herself to sleep on her own. Every book I read, every real life mom told me I needed to do it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't. I knew that "sleep training" would mean a fair amount of tears no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. Believe me when I tell you I tried my hardest to go the route of "no tears." I probably read and reread that "No-Cry Sleep Solution" book a zillion times and while I may have had some success with some of the recommendations in the book, Buttercup was pretty darn conditioned at this point to fall asleep in my arms. And it was going to be a straight up bitch to break this cycle.
Here's why I used to think "sleep training" was this awful, awful thing. Somewhere in those early months as a mom, I got it in my head that sleep training = making your kid cry =setting your kid up to become damaged goods. And what mom wants that? Definitely not this one.
Looking back, I can see myself, a rookie mom tired and exhausted turning to my IPhone and typing "baby won't sleep" or some variation into Google looking for answers, looking for HELP. Instead, I just found myself a complex. Let's just say I really wish I hadn't turned to Google. Who knows which mommy board I stumbled upon or which response to a thread it was but the damage was done. The message was loud and clear. Only selfish mother's sleep train. A mother's job is to respond to their child's needs and if your kid is getting up a zillion times at night then suck it up. Your kid will learn to sleep through the night when he's ready. Anti sleep-training moms (and let's be clear I've never met one of these moms in real life only on the Internet will argue that letting your kid cry will cause him to feel abandoned and insecure and he will only wind up falling asleep because he'll basically have learned to give up on humanity i.e. you, his mother. And the truly effed up thing, people, is that I knew better. I really did. I read all the sleep books backed up by research and years of experience by experts. Real life moms supported sleep training and their kids seemed fine and the real life moms that didn't sleep train-well at least the ones in my small circle of friends and family were the ones screaming, no, more like shouting at me to do it. But this mommy guilt I felt had a hold on me and I just couldn't break free. And again, looking back and writing about it I feel kind of pathetic. Here I am, a woman in my 30's, now a mother and I'm so easily influenced by people I've never met. What does that say about me? The thing is, philosophically speaking "responding to your kid's needs" and building a secure, trusting relationship with my kid is totally the kind of parent I want to be and letting your kid cry-even if it's for their own good feels like wrong. Nothing about it feels right. Nothing. It feels wrong, absolutely and utterly wrong. And so I kept praying that BC would hurry up and decide she's ready to sleep through the night like those Internet moms said but that never happened. Instead of getting better it seemed to be getting worse and worse.
It got so out of control. I was so miserable and yet I suffered in silence. I couldn't complain or vent or cry on any one's shoulder because the first thing they'd ask is, "well have you tried letting her cry in the crib?" So I avoided the topic at all costs. My jaw would tense up whenever it was brought up by well-meaning friends and loved ones. After time they learned to not bring it up.
So there I was, a mom that "loved her kid so much she didn't want to make her baby cry" now having feelings of resentment towards her kid. Where's the sense in that? Because feeling resentment and frustration is soo much healthier for me and my kid. It was a really hard time for me. As a mom I didn't want to feel this way. I couldn't help but feel like the writing was on the wall-something had to give. I'm the parent, I'm the one that's supposed to fix what's not working and this wasn't working. Not for anyone. Not for me and not for BC, who definitely wasn't getting enough sleep.
And so we did it. There's no way to sugarcoat it. It was hard. There were tears. From me, from Buttercup. We tried our hardest to make it as gentle as possible. But there were still tears. It took a really.long.time but it WORKED. BC sleeps! For like double digit hours people! She falls asleep on her own, without me, in her crib and she is OK. She is more than OK, she is fucking fabulous. She is not damaged or emotionally scarred. She is a happier baby and I am a better mother, no, scratch that I am a better HUMAN BEING now that we are all sleeping better.
There's a zillion different' "sleep training methods" out there. And you really do need to find the right one for you and your family. We ended up loosely following the "Sleep Lady Shuffle." I would describe it as a more gradual approach to helping your child learn to fall asleep. The first three nights, you sit next to the crib, the next three nights after that you sit in the middle of the room, then the doorway, etc until your child is able to fall asleep with you out of sight. And if you're like us, you add a week of sitting in your bedroom doorway reading "Where's Spot" because you have a hard time cutting the cord... Like I said, we followed this method loosely. You really gotta do what's right for you. But in all seriousness, it wasn't until we "cut the cord," so to speak, that BC finally started sleeping better.
This post is for the momma's out there that find their way to the Internet in the middle of the night, desperate for sleep-for themselves and for their babies. I'm pretty sure that you love your kid, much like I do, with every single cell in your body. You fell in love with this little person and you probably thank God, or the universe or whatever you believe in for giving you this bundle of joy and you are so, so thankful that you make a vow to do absolutely everything in your power to raise a healthy, happy person. Don't get sucked in. Don't think that loving your kid and being a good mother is measured up in scoops of self sacrifice. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your baby and for yourself is to put him down already.
P.S. These are all the books I read and I'd highly recommend them all. And if you are expecting a little one, here's my unsolicited advice. Spend less time worrying about how many onsies to buy or which stroller to register for and spend some time reading about babies and sleep. Before I had my own kid, I just thought kids sleep. Little did I know....
The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight: Gentle Proven Solutions to Help Your Child Sleep Well and Wake Up Happy
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems
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