Audacious

I admit, I'm not in the best of places right now. I've been driving the bitter, "woe is me" bus heading straight to pity-ville all the while playing Radiohead at full blast.

I've already abused chocolate. Made a batch of brownies yesterday under the guise of I'm just a good little wife that decided to bake her hubby brownies. Little did he know I stood over the sink licking that bowl like a junkie just thirty minutes before he got home.

The sick to my stomach feeling after I finished licking the bowl still wasn't enough self-destructive behavior that I decided to steal a play direct from my sister's playbook-retail therapy.  I went and bought me a hundred dollar pair of jeans. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE THEM.

I know that feeling sorry for myself is a wasteful extravagance and yet I can't seem to stop watching old re-runs of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime. Oh, it's shameful really. As soon as my hubby leaves the front door I'm grabbing  the remote and flipping from CNN to Lifetime. Grey's comes on at 9am. All the angst and turmoil why did I ever stop watching this show??? I'm pretty sure we stopped being Grey followers after we discovered  The Office and Michael Scott.

During more wasteful time in front of the television, I came across the movie, "Hope Floats" with Sandra Bullock where she plays a woman that goes back to her hometown after learning on a talk show that her husband wants a divorce. I didn't watch the entire movie, after all people I do have a job even if I do it in yoga pants and a brownie-mix stained t-shirt.

But there's one scene where Sandra's old high school flame gives sad, depressed Sandra a good, talking-to in attempt to whip her into shape and tells her,  "...you used to be so...audacious." Fighting words if I ever heard any. (this is what I thought AFTER I went to dictionary.com and made sure I knew the meaning of the word audacious) 

But you know what, I used to be audacious TOO. For goodness sake, I moved to New York city without knowing a single soul in this town. I used to be so fearless. Damn't I used to be 23!

Things have never come easy to me-and this isn't a pity party-it's the truth. There are some people that live their lives where things just seem to fall into place or at least in their career lives. This is not me. I may have ended up with a great job in the big apple but I got my start at the mail room. Literally the mail room. And it was humbling but let me tell you-you learn a lot about people based on the mail they get. I could share some stories with you! But I was in that mail room for only a few months and got my butt hired in the newsroom.

Don't get me wrong-I'm still bummed and yea... still a little bitter (I won't lie) but determined to at least try to get a little of my 23-year old self back.